The Haunting

Deacon almost got the boot this weekend! And it had 0 to do with my extreme partying with Kendall and company all weekend, he was actually very cool about that. He stayed up and waited for me every night because I thought afterwards we would have mind-blowing sex. Didn’t happen Friday night nor Saturday, but a lot of other weird ish did.

Saturday was the get together, and it turned out perfect Kendall cried and majority of our friends showed up. Go Jace! Randall was there; I did not flirt with him though, just took a few pics for social media and mingled with everyone. Me and Kendall made a makeshift dance floor in Jamison’s living room and danced out little hearts away. Her boy toy however wasn’t there on time like I had told his tail to be. Nor did he come any time after that. I had told everyone be there by 8 p.m. and he showed up at almost midnight! Then he wouldn’t come in, he had her outside talking so at midnight, as all the guests wanted to say “Happy Birthday!” Kendall was nowhere to be found…… in fact she was on her way to leave! With him! Birthday sex I’m assuming, which is fine by me, I was dying to dip out anyway. I was getting bored and was trying not to get to Deacon’s house too late, the previous night I touched down at almost 3am, not cool! Therefore, I slipped out right after Kendall and sent him a text that I was on the way.

I pulled up and immediately noticed an odd light was on in the front of his house. His bedroom was in the back and so was the den so what the heck was the light about? When he opened up the door, I immediately asked about it, I’m scary as crap and he knows that.

“It’s the TV, I’m sleeping in the guestroom tonight” he said and hopped in the bed.

Did he mean I was supposed to sleep alone? I stood in the hallway looking confused.

“But why?” I walked down the hallway and proceeded to tie my hair up and change into my pj’s. Had I knew what he was about to tell me, my little ass would have been in there with him curled up.

“Ummm because its my house, I can sleep wherever I want, I sleep all over the house randomly” he said it as if that was something I should have known.

I shrugged an hopped in bed and mentally sighed. Shoot! I hadn’t gave him a hug or kiss when I came in, he was big on that, simply because I wasn’t. I wasn’t affectionate at all, and we were supposed to be working on it. Oh well.

“There’s something in that room” Deacon said out of nowhere.

I was hardly paying attention, I was tired as crap, but I finally asked “What?”

“My bedroom, I came up here for a reason, I didn’t want to have you back there and it scare you, I know how you are” he replied.

Oh I was up now! Wide awake, heck did he mean?

“Wait…… something like what? Like a ghost? In here? Like you actually saw it? And we are just gonna lay here like its nothing?” I was panicking.

He went on to tell me about how he sees this spirit and it doesn’t look like anything but a big dark shadow, but once he asked it who it was (because apparently you are suppose to ask that, yea right!). And the spirit said “Bonnie”. So that’s what he called it. Bonnie comes out late at night and peruses his house and sometimes can be heard walking the halls or quietly shutting doors. I didn’t know who the heck Bonnie really was or why but I was now about to piss my pants. But no way was I going to the bathroom.

“Go look down the hall” Deacon sat up.

“No!” I yelled “This isn’t funny if you are trying to scare me its working” by now I’m literally shaking.

“You know I’m not trying to scare you, I wanted you to know, like the other night when you stayed here it was standing over top of you and I was thinking if she sees this shit she’s gonna go off, and when you kept saying your feet was cold, its because she kept taking the covers off of your feet” he was just a talking and I was just a shaking.

“SHUT UP!” I finally yelled.

“Bonnie can hear us talking ya know” he was so calm. At this point I didn’t know if he was lying or telling the truth. I knew he was mad about the way I had greeted him but he never intentionally tried to scare me so maybe he was being serious. That was even a worst thought. Right then I heard something in the hallway and I literally was about to sob. I felt like I was on an episode of “The Haunting”.

“ I got this house from a family that had a daughter with schizophrenia. Apparently she use to be all around the neighborhood doing all sorts of things and had tore the house up. When I bought it there were holes all in the walls and it was just a mess Jaycee. Of course all that got fixed but they say she use to see things and say something was talking to her in the house, I’m guessing it was Bonnie because I see it too, but she doesn’t come out until late and I’ll hear her and see her but she never does any harm, and I fear nothing but God so doesn’t scare me at all!” Deacon explained.

Deacon was bat shit crazy! Who would stay in a house like that?

“I’m never staying over here again, I can’t even sleep now, why the heck would you think I’d want to know that?” I was piping hot and pissed.

There was silence and then after a while Deacon jumped up and left the room. He was out of his freaking mind, I heard the TV in the den come on and I wanted to get up, but I was scared Bonnie was in the hall waiting for me to open the door. Then I said don’t be silly Jaycee, the wench could come in here if she really wanted too. So I jumped up and hauled tail in the den after grabbing my things. I was going home….. or so I thought!

“What kind of man would I be if I let you leave here at 2 in the morning, anything could happen, no way” he told me.

I was grown and I told him so but when I went for the door he was on my heels. He was serious. Ughhh! I wasn’t going back in that room alone. I sat there pouting and thinking Deacon was really screwed up in the head. His 6^th sense was total bullshit and he was just a freaking looney tune.

He grew tired f me constant sighing and pulled me on him and apologized for telling me but said everything he said had been true. We went to bed after that and Sunday morning I went home to prep for church.

After church Deacon asked me out for lunch and we picked a low key spot we had been to before. Everything was back to normal and we were laughing and having good conversation when we saw my effing Pastor! This goes back to no one knowing I’m divorced and then with me being with Deacon it just LOOKED bad. We decided to take it head on and go speak which proved to be the best move since we didn’t want to appear guilty. We really weren’t doing anything wrong but still.

He took me for a ride on his bike after that far out and I had to admit it was nice and calming.

I chilled at this house with him and Bonnie. I couldn’t help but keep trying to catch something strange going on. I hoped Deacon would burst out and say he had made it all up, but no such luck. We chatted about random stuff and eventually we had sex in his room that was nice, slow, and sensual.

When we were done I simply said “One of us has to go……. Me or Bonnie!”

#KDay Kickoff

Its Kendall’s birthday weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know I always feel like I have it all figured out and then those curveballs come into play. It was Tonie’s birthday weekend too, one of my other childhood BFFS. Kendall had told me to invite her out to the club with us. Kendall had gone all out and got a table and bottle service.

By 9 p.m. I still didn’t want to go out, I have no clue what was wrong with me I just had an effed up attitude. Tonie called me surprisingly and said she was going to come out, so I hurriedly got my things on and we met up. My mood changed drastically by the time we got there and I was in full hang out mode. Tonie’s cousin Randall showed up. Me and Randall have DEEP history. We met when we were about 11. We stayed in the same neighborhood and he loved me at first site I swear. He would chase me home after school and always show up with Valentine’s Day gifts, I hated Randall. He was a big clown to me so I always refused him and turned him down. He was that annoying guy growing up that just didn’t get it, like Steve Urkel.

Nevertheless, Randall grew up, and grew FINE, he got married right after high school and joined the Army. He also had a child. His wife cheated while he was on deployment so that didn’t last. I was in my 2^nd year of college by then and somehow we got back in contact. That summer when I was home I had hung out with him a few times. He took me back to school shopping, gave me a credit card for my phone bill, and I was actually having fun with Randall that year. He ended up hitting the lottery during my last week home and came right to my house and threw the money all over my room. Randall was a sweetie. Once I was back at school we fell off again though. But whenever I saw him, it was always flirting occurring and him telling me I’ve always been the one.

Eventually he met another woman and they were engaged. I hadn’t talked to him in ages and out of nowhere she texted me one day while I was at work.

Wife: What is you and Randall’s affiliation?

Me: Who the fuck is this and why are you asking me versus him?

(My mouth was filthy back then I was way younger)

Wife: This is his fiancée, and whatever it is you too have going on consider it over from this moment on.

Me: LOL. Doubt that, but have him relay that message and don’t text my damn phone anymore, call your damn fiancée if you are having trust issues, insecure Bitch!

I immediately called Randall and started spazzing out, why the heck was she calling me out of the blue? I really hadn’t talked to him in I don’t know when.

“Jaycee I’m sorry PLEASE don’t cuss her out I know how you are, she got your number out my phone and she’s just been tripping ever since. I’ll handle it, I swear I’m sorry!” Randall explained. I told him handle that ish and I haven’t heard from her since.

But Tonie’s family is extremely close so eventually I saw the wench at a family function. The first few times she tried to just ignore me overall, didn’t work, his family loved me. Well, not his mom. She was a hater. He had bought me a $1000 bracelet once, which I lost by the way, and she found the receipt. She made Tonie call me and ask for the bracelet back. I called Randall. I never dealt with the females, mom or no mom. I asked is that what he wanted me to do with the bracelet. In all honesty, I had never worn it, I was too scared I’s lose it, and ironically I still lost it, no idea where it is today! Randall said of course not and that was that. (he definitely asked me about this bracelet last night too, I totally lied!)

Long story short Randall showed up last night, and he looked GOOD! The last time I had saw him was at my birthday party. We all had gotten too drunk of course and he had been telling anyone who would listen how he felt about me, including Cam. So, needless to say, there was a little drama that night. I wasn’t with Cam so I didn’t care about that. But Cam did because he had never known me and Randall had a history and he had been at the family functions too when we were together, and of course his insecure azz tripped.

Back to last night, Randall was acting completely reserved so I called him out.

“Eff is wrong with you, you not allowed to talk to me or something?” I walked up on him after everyone had headed to a different part of the club.

“Yeah right Jace, you look good tonight, how you been? How’s the family?” he looked me over and smirked.

“Good, everyone’s fine, you are being really weird tonight” I got back to my point.

“Well last time we saw each other, I was told I did a bit too much, you remember that don’t you, me telling you how I feel and everything?” he took a sip of his drink and looked over.

I didn’t. I was pissy drunk that night. He could’ve told me the sky was yellow and I would have called him Einstein for finally noticing. He didn’t get upset that I didn’t remember just nodded. Throughout the night I’d dance with him all and on but Randall was married to that darn girl and she was pregnant too. Ugh! However, Tonie got too drunk and ended up telling me on the way home they were having problems, noted!

I went to Deacon’s house afterwards. He had told me he’d wait up. Jamison had gotten me a beer at the club and from the way I was acting you would have thought I had had 10! I had totally confided in Jamison that my head skills were questionable and sometimes I used my teeth on accident. He was drunk and proceeded to show me how to “gumby” my teeth. I loved my best friend! Deacon hadn’t bothered me all night but now he was asking 21 questions. I had noticed that he always wanted to know my plans….. for what? We didn’t end up having sex, he said I felt him up then rolled over and started snoring. Very possible.

Overall, I had a ball with my cousin an BFF last night. It’s Saturday and I can’t get Randall off my mind though. Tish had called me this morning as well. Apparently, Eden called her and basically whined because I’m ignoring him. What the heck did he expect Tish to be able to do? Im seriously thinking about forwarding his girlfriend all this stuff he sends me, cause he really needs to leave me be. KARMA’s a biotch and I want no parts, which is probably why I should get Randall out my head too!

Lets discuss Deacon......

Either I'm making Deacom seem like a azzhole or he really is one, so here goes.

Deacon is 7 years older then me, but sometimes I feel like his bickering habits are a bit mundane and unecessary. He's super sweet and thoughtful. I never have to worry about if I'll hear from him, even when I do worry, it turns out I shouldnt have been. He without a doubt is going to hit me up and check on me no matter what.

On my end I can admit I do some childish ish, but I dont know if its really THAT childish or if he's just THAT old.

When I first moved he came over and changed all my locks (because you never know). He figured it was safer, because the way my locks were set up someone could easily just break my window and unlock the door. I have steps now so he bought over a baby gate to install for Baby Boy so he would be safer. He will has stayed there almost every night, because he knows I feel weird about being alone in there sometimes. He makes me try new things, instead of the regular basic crap I'm use to. so usually when we go out its somewhere I've never been before. We do regular things to, like the movies or just chilling inside but its always nice kicking it with him.

Our conversation is ALWAYS top notch, somehow we feed off of each other. So he knows alot about me already and vice versa. I've yet to meet a guy that actually enjoys texting or emailing ALL day, but Deacon literally talks to me ALL day everyday thru my workday. In detail too. We do this cute question and answer thing, which is probably how we learned alot about each other too. Or we talk about disagreements we may have had. We always hash out the negatives.

He's cool with my family too, but they dont know anything is up at all. Just that we are friends, and thats basically because we dont even know whats up yet, just learning each other. He tells me I'm beautiful and sexy, and all of the nice things that ladies like to hear every now and then, but he compliments me daily. Definitely good for my ego.

Idk maybe Deacon just SAYS all the right things, but he has me open. I like him, but it isn't ALL good by far. Like I said we bicker ALOT, about the smallest, dumbest ish. And that irks me the most. I told him his attitude is like his way or the highway if someone doesn't think how he does, and he admitted he never looked at it that way and would work on it. he's always open to working on anything I have a problem with, once I explain to him why I see it as one. Usually he agrees with me, because I say things that are fair.

Another thing is because of his status we can't really be all out in the open, so I feel like I'm sneaking sometimes. People at my church still think I'm married, so what would they think seeing us together? I dont know why they think that because Cam hasnt been around in ages, but they have no reason not to either. I understand his role, but you are still sinning, we fornicate, sooooooooo yeah dont be a undercover Christian it is what it is! I realize he's human though, noone is perfect, not even Pastors! and I love our sex life so I'm definitely not complaining about that ;)

We have agreed to take it slow though, he thinks I still have feelings for Cam, since I discuss him so much. But I discuss him out of pure frustration, if I wanted Cam I'd have him.

So is Deacon a azzhole? lol I think he's just regular, I shouldnt compare him to Cam but for the cause I'm about too.

Cam was CONSTANT drama, we argued all the time and never compromised. We never really went on dates after a while and if so he couldnt make a decision without me holding his hand. He was a know it all and that was that. He was sneaky, he talked to other females. If we were talking all day while I worked then it was definitely us arguing all day. it was just a headache. Financially I couldn't plan things with Cam because I would be the one footing the bill.

So I think I'm just glad to have something different for once. Someone who can treat me, and tell me they planned something for me, or its a surprise I'll see when I get there. Or to wash my car with ym son when its dirty, and genuinely care about getting to know him. Or to send me flowers thru text since i think real ones are a waste of money. Or to kiss me just because and break me out of my shells. Or to pray with me when I'm troubled, or give me non biased advice.

Idk..................... I like him!

Chicken and Waffles!

It had to be the Devil that told me I should cook for Deacon. Had to be because it was sabotaged from jump. I’m no cooker BY FAR, but I’ve been known to master chicken and waffles. I had gotten a waffle maker as a wedding gift and every since whenever we had something and I was responsible for food it was my go to meal. So naturally, that’s what I offered to make.

Epic fail!

I had to go to the grocery store to get everything I’d need because I had just moved in, first thing that happened is I forgot my grocery list at work. No biggie, I went through the steps and picked up the things I would need as I cooked mentally. I got home, put everything away, and prepped. It was around 6 p.m. and Deacon was supposed to come at 7. Baby Boy was spending the night at my moms. By 6:30 I was done so I decided to go ahead and shower too. He wasn’t there by 7 or 7:15 and I hate lateness. Eventually he showed up around 7:20 with a King Sized TWIX bar in his hand. All was forgiven I had told him TWIX were my fave.

I went ahead and got started on the actual cooking and was happy when my waffle came out LOOKING absolutely perfect and golden. The chicken was doing something weird and not browning and looked super crispy. I went with it because maybe it was just because my grease was new. How the heck should I know Im Jaycee not Betty Crocker!

I told Deacon everything was done and finished my convo with my Dad I had started. I heard Deacon finish rather quickly and he went upstairs. I didn’t think anything of it until I joined him and he had major attitude.

“If you were going to throw something together you should have just not done it at all” he said to me calmly.

“I didn’t throw it together” I looked confused, “Was it not good……. Be honest?”

He gave it a little thought, and I figured he was trying to see should he really be honest with me or not, the latter part won “if you seriously serve that to people and they have told you it was good, then they are liars, it was terrible!”

WTF! I definitely didn’t expect that, I got embarrassed in .5 seconds. This was a first for me and I should’ve stayed in my non cooking lane. He went on to further dig my grave but I was busying myself trying to figure out “who the eff messes up waffles that cook themselves?”

“You know I do a lot for you, and I don’t mind it at all, just kind of hurts that you thought that was okay to do to me” he went on.

Well damn! That sucked. I got to work the next day and was telling my friend about it. It hadn’t ruined our night, we still had sex twice, but it had definitely bruised my ego.

“You’ve got to redeem yourself he probably thinks you can’t cook girl!” my friend said the obvious.

“Wench I can’t!” I fussed, she was pissing me off, and she was doing nothing wrong I was just mad I had embarrassed myself.

“Look cook BBQ chicken and rice, super easy” she started rattling all the directions. However, I didn’t like BBQ chicken and I wasn’t trying anything else I couldn’t taste test first, so screw that. I was scared straight to try ANYTHING again.

Any recipes y’all wanna throw my way, I’m in the hole and it’s DEEP! lol

Confusions Finest

I’m sad L

Deacon is avoiding me, of course I’m exaggerating, but maybe I’m not!

So Saturday when he came over he expressed to me that he was probably setting a bad example. I laid there confused I was horny, let’s make an example out of that! But he went on and said his role in the church and what we were doing didn’t match up. Yet we did it right after that………….. exactly.

So Sunday I avoided him at church, he kept trying to make eye contact but this whole “thing” we were doing was so confusing I had no clue how to act and when anymore. I realized I was officially “in my feelings”. I liked him, a lot, like to the point where my thoughts were consumed of him. To the point of Eden who? That was a big deal within itself. We know how I am about Eden, or was.

So after church Sunday he didn’t invite me out to lunch like he normally had been doing but I totally figured it was because Baby Boy had stayed home this weekend and I had him, so no biggie. I went to my moms and was in and out of sleep for 3 hours. It had been a long week, I was exhausted. I texted Deacon though and admitted to him and myself how I was feeling.

Me: Remember what I said about not wasting each other’s time if we don’t see this going anywhere? Well I see it and I want to move forward….. if you are still interested that is.

D: We will talk face to face

Me: I hate when you do that and I don’t know when I will see you face to face.

That was a trick statement by the way. I see him every day so I SHOULD have known, but like I said he was being weird. He totally failed though.

D: Like I said face to face.

That had been around 5’ish and by 9 after I had got me and Baby Boy settled and was in bed myself I still hadn’t heard anything from him.

Me: Good night

No response, then a whole hour later he replies.

D: Ok, Goodnight to you as well

What the eff? I thought about this and a week ago this would not have bothered me at all, but because I was actually considering being exclusive, I was pissed off. But I controlled myself and didn’t respond. Now here it is Monday morning and he ALWAYS texts me Good morning or SOMETHING and my phone is just as dry as ever! Bastard.

I came into work for like a hour to clear some things and then I’m heading to see Kendall. She had surgery last week and I have been THEE worst cousin ever. When I was in the hospital she was there and stayed long as she could, well technically no that wasn’t her, she came once, Tay was the one that came every day. I’m so tit for tat, childish. However, I did go see her Saturday, and I’m going to head over there in a few and spend a few hours with her. But I know my friends are annoyed cause all I want to talk about lately is you know who.

Speaking of, while I was writing this he finally decided to show up and text me.

D: Don’t know if you are awake or still dreaming about me but Good morning.

Jerk!

It’s actually probable that I’m making this so much more than it really is, but when I fall I fall hard and his azz better catch me since he’s the one that tripped me up!

Bang Bang

TMI, but I am having the time of my life effing Deacon! Yup its official, we have banged every night since my last post and its only gotten better with time, last night being the best. My mom came over and stayed with Baby Boy and Deacon came to pick me up for a date. He had this grand idea to try a place an hour away. I had never been so I was down for the cause.

I pulled up some white True Religion jeans, open toe heels, and a loose denim top. I got a chucky statement necklace with colors and my hair was bone straight. I was trying to steer way from my typical flats an whatever attire. On the way up we had decided we needed to have a talk about us and what we were doing. He basically stated he had told me before what he wanted and that was for me to be his lady. I knew I wasn’t ready for that so honestly I never addressed it. I had to cut off my other hoes off first. If I was going to try something real I wanted to go into it with a clean state for once. Not all my old hoes popping in and out at their leisure.

“Well when you let me know you are ready to take this to the next level, just know Im here and willing Jaycee, I’m clear on what I want with you and from you” he had said and my panties got moist. Yasssss to a grown man for once. He also added “Y’all ladies always ask for a good man though and then when you get one you don’t know what to do with him!”.

That was correct I was lost as crap. After dinner I had fell asleep in the car on the ride back after telling him I would stay at his place. I hadn’t been back to his house since I had moved. He had been staying with me at my townhouse all week. I ran into a million walls on my way thru his garage and into the house because I refused to open my eyes and walk to see where I was going. I went to the bed and stripped to my shirt and undies. I was sleep in no time.

Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up and I was soaked. I felt Deacon’s hand fondling my private and I moaned. He slid my undies off and I heard him unwrap a condom in the dark. I was laying on my stomach and as he got back in bed I felt him slide into me from behind. I gasp and grinding back into him. I don’t know if it was the sex, me being half sleep, or what but it felt like heaven. We both started to move in sync as close as we could get. My body started shaking and I felt him sum and roll to my side. I couldn’t even move, but my body didn’t have a problem doing that on its own apparently. The next 10 minutes were spent with my body spasms every other second. Deacon loved it. I feel back to sleep soon after that an he took me home a few hours later to get ready for work on Saturday.

Cam had hit me up and asked could we hang out. Something told me to be blunt but I thought he meant with Baby Boy at first, but he just meant with us and asked could we have sex from time to time. While Cam’s sex was ideal, us together wasn’t by far. When I tried to tell him, I was seeing someone he blew up!

“You know what I always play myself with you, you are moving on while I’m holding on. I can’t stay here with your Dad and not be with you. I am going to leave here soon,” he ranted.

Leave? And do what? Go back down south and be a bum?

“So you would quit your only means of taking care of your children just because I don’t want to be with you? That’s selfish, you are making it seem like I have to eff you in order for you to be a father! Where you are now you can provide and see him on a normal basis and you want to throw that away?” I was pissed to the highest level of pisstivity.

“Well when you divorce someone Jaycee this is the kind of things that happens, I can’t teach and show him how to treat a women if you won’t give me a chance or us a chance to be together and around him, you just want to throw everything away…… didn’t know it was that easy” the looney went on.

“Cam I threw it away when I divorced you, and you gave me reasons to divorce you” I was trying to calm myself down.

“It’s your fault all this happened, you made me file for visitation to see my other son, she filed for child support, and that ended up making me lose my job for non-payment. I didn’t all that to prove my love to you and you don’t even care! Who’s the guy, is it Eden, Derik…… who Jaycee, just answer that!” he fussed and carried on.

“It’s not my fault you were not handling your responsibilities, and now that you have the opportunity too once again you want to be irresponsible, just stop talking to me please” I sighed.

He sent a few texts after that but I’m so over it. He always finds a way to let me know I made the perfect decision for me and my son. He had sent me daycare money the day before but now I saw that was only because he thought I would meet up with him, effing jerk.

 

Church Sex

“CHURCH!” I blurted out loudly.

“What?” Deacon asked out of breath and confused, but never missing a stroke.

“We can’t. I can’t focus I keep thinking about church! The Deacon thing, its effing with me” I said trying to maneuver from under Deacon.

“Damn! It crossed my mind too but why’d you have to say it out loud?” he laughed.

So yeah technically, we had had sex last night, and I ended it. We had been at my new place and Deacon had come over with new locks for my door and a baby gate for Baby Boy. He’s thoughtful like that, always going the extra mile. He had stayed over the night before too, but nothing happened. Just talked to midnight and fell asleep. However, tonight was different. He had left me downstairs, and was up in my room waiting for me. I went ahead, showered, and got into bed and immediately he was in my personal space. I felt awkward because I’m so childish, but he kept at it.

Now earlier I had told him my Dad had suggested that if a guy never tried you after a certain amount of time he’s either:

• Gay
• Erectile
• Sex game is wack

So, I totally think, he took it as though he had something to prove. I’m self-conscious and even though I know my shape is nice, I still am weird about it. Especially my c-section scar. So he’s kissing my scar and everywhere else I may feel sub conscious about telling me I’m perfect. His foreplay was nice, even though we didn’t do oral. My period had just stopped I wouldn’t have felt comfortable. But his tongue worked wonders everywhere else and before I knew it I’m tangled up in some web of legs and arms and he’s like “I don’t need your help!”

I can’t describe it (y’all know I suck at this part), we were kissing and switching positions a lot and then all of a sudden church popped in my head and I went numb, I couldn’t continue. We ended up stopping and I knew he was pissed but he said it had crossed his mind too but he ignored it. Not me! The Lord was speaking lol.

The rest of the night flew by and I told him about my abortion. Yes, I had an abortion, right after baby boy and I feel awful. But we were in a effed up place and headed to divorce court and what was I going to do with 2 kids? Cam was barely working, we had just had a baby and I was juggling the bills. Judge me all you want. I was definitely that person who said I would never have one, but never say never. When the ball is is your court, you don’t know whether you will pass it ir throw it. The baby would have been 1 but I think it was the right choice. Sorry if some don’t agree. Now I couldn’t do it again, but yep I’m guilty.

I haven’t talked to Deacon yet today but it’s only 7:30 a.m. so we will see how he acts.

Earlier that day I had dinner with Tay at Hooters, we caught up, we went to a Tamar Braxton show earlier in the month, she got tickets and we had a ball. Me and Tay are always off and on but I love her to death. Nothing else has went down, this Deacon thing had me all effed up so I had to write on it.

What should I do? Try again, dead it, or what? We already did it technically, just not for long. So I don’t even know his potential but what waste it right?

No Good Deed

I get so sidetracked I forget that I haven’t written. I’m like well they won’t care about this, or this probably isn’t important, or who wants to read about that. However, screw it!

I want a freaking round of applause because I have successfully igged Eden for 2 weeks now; his latest attempt was sending me a picture of Angry Orchard Apple Cider beer, because when we were in D.C I mentioned it was my newfound fave. But eff you sending me a picture of it for? I’m fully aware of what it looks like. I’m so glad I recognized my worth and realized playing the waiting game under the main chick is NOT cute! And we MUST be cute at all times ladies.

Deacon sung a solo in church Sunday and kept reminding me about it. I would have did the opposite I’m so shy it’s redic, but he actually sounded good, go figure, maybe he can sing at our wedding! lol Anyway after church he texted me like where are we eating? We ended up at a restaurant and THEE WORST THING EVER HAPPENED! I sit down and he has this thing where he sits beside me instead of across from me. I USED to think it was cute, not today though. So clearly we are on a date. Now mind you I never announced my divorce to anyone, only my immediate family and friends know…… am I suppose too? Do I make a facebook status an say: Hey guys I’m single now, kicked Cam to the curb, holla at me!

Deacon says its not people business and I don’t have to say a thing. But this is why I wish I had said SOMETHING.

So I’m sitting there and I hear my manager’s voice, same manager that just went on and on about my husband the week before. I never corrected her because I’m like for what? She can call him whatever she wants, bothers me none. But now she’s sitting across from me and notices me and Deacon and I realize she must be thinking “That’s totally not the husband I have seen in the past!”

Now I never see my co-workers when I’m out….. ever! Now all of a sudden when I don’t want to be seen I’m seen in all my glory.

“Speak!” Deacon nudged me after I filled him in.

“No!” I hid behind him.

“You are making yourself look sneaky, just speak” he laughed “I figured that had to be someone you knew because she was definitely staring….. makes perfect sense now!” he chomped on shrimp, while I sat there panicking.

This looked so effing tacky. I looked like a cheater and I totally wasn’t out cheating on my ex-husband. We carried on with our conversation and eventually my manager went to leave and I rushed to speak and introduced her to “my friend”. Yep still seemed shady but at least I didn’t appear to be hiding anymore!

I was relieved when they left. We ended up at the movies that night to see “No Good Deed”. Idris is a freaking sexy man and I don’t even like dark chocolate but my God. Okay anyway after the movie Deacon is talking about the weather, so I asked what it was going to be for Monday.

“Don’t you have a phone? Look it up” he smirked. I thought he was joking but this negro really didn’t tell me. It was silent the rest of the ride and I was pissed. This morning he asked what was wrong and I told him that was a bit rude, then the silent treatment was a bit rude.

Deacon: I can totally see how you took it, honestly, I was half sleep, but I was joking about the weather. I apologize, it won’t happen again. I have some ways but nothing I wouldn’t change if it upsets you.

Hmmmm, that was too easy. Deacon was going on my suspect list.

 I called up Derik and vented about it. Derik is the one I should’ve married, remember him? We chat here and there and totally say “I love you’s” when we hang up. But that’s all it’s ever been, we have never had sex or anything. I’m curious as crap though and he has been talking about visiting this month.

“So why were you driving babe, he couldn’t pick you up?” Derik grimaced when I told him why Deacon was allowed to have been half asleep, I could tell how he looked thru the phone.

“I only drove to the movies, not the dinner, my gas light was on so I offered cause I hate pumping gas, you know that” I explained.

“Oh ok, so he went with you to get gas, did he pay for it?” Derik asked.

“Why would he, it’s my car, I paid!” I said knowing what he was getting at.

“You know I would have paid for it, you never had to do anything with your car when I was around, that’s man’s work” Derik bragged.

But he had, oil changes, gas, tires, anything my car needed he had taken care of. Deacon had made a similar statement when we first begain talking, but he didn’t pay for my gas. Shut up Jaycee that’s not a deal breaker, he doesn’t drive the car.

“Yes I know you would have, anyway, then he talked about my hair and my curls are cute Derik, and the way I dress, he said I put more effort when I’m with my friends and come around him looking any kind of way. I had on a sundress and sandals Derik, I really thought I looked cute!” I whined. He had really effed up my self esteem. Smart  mouth and all I was still sensitive as crap.

“I’m sure you did baby” Derik was not helping he was just going to pacify me, because that is what Jaycee wanted to hear. Derik got blunt with me at times too though, so he wasn’t my butt kisser by far. He likes my hair curly so he could “pull on it”. Even though his scary tail never had lol. Ughhh, I switched the topic to him visiting and by then it was after midnight. I fell asleep in mid-sentence and Derik laughed telling me goodnight.

Deacon always analyzed me, so now I’m super self-conscious of how I look, I feel like I need to make an appointment to get my hair straightened because obviously my natural curls are a bit too much for him.

*looks online at open appointment slots*

He’s good on paper tho, but so is Derik, honestly I like Derik better but he’s in another city. But we are like 8 years and counting so I know it’s not physical, we really got to know each other. I’m surprised he’s still single. I’m rambling I know.

Cam got Baby boy the weekend again, and him and my Dad took him shopping. That impressed me, but that arrangement is working out. Cam is obsessed with finding out if I moved, which I did, but I won’t tell him that. It is not his business.

I don’t want anyone to think I’m looking for love again because I’m not, just looking for that person that gives me the same feeling I get on a Friday when I know I’m about to get paid!

Weekend Shenanigans

Hey guys!

I’m fresh back to work and it’s raining cats and dogs here. But lets’ backtrack to Friday…….

“Let’s do happy hour, I NEED to get out, we won’t stay long I promise” Kendall whined into my phone. I was tucked neatly under my comforter in my bra and panties and had 0 intentions of removing myself until Saturday morning. Cam and my Dad had successfully managed to pick up Baby Boy from daycare and he was gone for the weekend. So for once, I had no responsibility. It’s different, for me anyway, when my mom or grandma has him. I still feel like he’s not gone gone. But, Cam was his Dad so I completely let go.

Kendall was still rambling on and I looked at my clock and noticed it was after 8 p.m.

“I’m not going Happy Hour is over at 9…… we are gonna miss the wing deals, count me out” I silenced her.

“I can be there in 20 minutes” she spat out.

I groaned and got up to brush my teeth. I grabbed some short denim shorts; a while cropped top tee, and an orange long sweater, that hung low in the back. I got my rust open toe plat form heels and a matching bag and ran my fingers thru my hair. Not bad for 10 minutes. I looked cute.

We got to Happy hour and spent a ridiculous amount of time in line for food before we sat down to eat. Kendall had been paying for everything all night so I didn’t complain, she was in a good mood for whatever reason, so I went with it. When we sat down we saw an old guy friend from high school who offered us drinks. I had opted not to drink tonight but Kendall said sure. I was dancing and having my own little party when Kendall started doing something weird with her eyes.

“Want me to blow in it?” I asked thinking making she had something stuck in one. She rolled them after that and that’s when I felt someone touch my lower back.

“What’s up Jaycee” I honestly felt like I was hearing nails scratching a chalkboard, it was Jake, the bag buyer, in all his glory.

I turned around slowly trying to fix my face “Oh hey Jake, what are you doing here?” I really wanted to know, he worked the night shift so technically he should be at work, not here in my face looking all goofy.

He laughed and proudly said “I’m on the clock, I always leave and come out, they never know”.

Really? You are a 30 something year old man sneaking off work to hang out in a bar, is that really worth jeopardizing your career? I can’t! I snuck a glance at Kendall who was suddenly down with a case of the giggles. Wench!

“So, yeah anyway Jaycee, I have your bag at the house, remember the one I told you I would have waiting when you got back from New York?” he got serious on that topic.

“Yeah, I didn’t think you would actually go buy another bag though Jake” I told him.

“Yeah, I’m trying to spoil you, but you won’t let me, I’m having a cookout tomorrow too, come by and get the bag and just hang out, it’s a family cookout so it’ll be fun” Jake rambled on.

“Ehhhhh, that probably won’t work, I have work tomorrow and then Tay’s son football game afterwards, I’m pretty booked for tomorrow” I was glad I really had plans.

He took that but I knew that was too easy, he said he would see me later and walked off. Kendall’s BFF showed up a little after that ad we were all dancing and having fun when Jake showed up again, he spent the remainder of his night in my face trying to make it seem like we were together to others. I spent the night pushing him off of me and telling him to back up. At midnight, some guys I grew up with asked did we want to hit another spot, I gladly accepted, totally forgetting the fact that we should have BEEN left happy hour hours ago.

Meanwhile, this other guy Alex had been texting me. He had got me a good deal on tires earlier this summer and had been asking to hang out. Since we were going to a new spot I told him to meet us there. By the time her got there tho I only talked to him for about 15 minutes before all my friends were leaving to call it a night. He had seemed cool though, key word: SEEMED. More on Alex later.

Saturday was hard. I hadn’t got in till 3 a.m. and was at work by 7 a.m. I BS’ed through the work and I was suppose to ride with Tay to her sons game. She flipped it on me last minute and said she was having car trouble and asked could I drive. I didn’t want to drive I was tired as crap an it was 104 degrees out. In addition, Tay didn’t know how to drive my car, so that cancelled that out. I finally told her fine, and asked could she meet me at my house. The game was about 30 minutes away and I lived closer to the interstate. She promptly responded no and that I needed to come get her. The eff? Not happening, at least work with me here. She was going on and on about it and making me feel guilty when she had already asked another friend to take her anyway. So while I’m debating this with her our other friend gets in a group chat telling Tay shes outside! SO why the eff were you badgering me knowing you already had another way. I didn’t go! I went to sleep! Tay’s pissed needless to say.

Saturday evening Deacon wanted to have dinner. I had stood him up Friday, he didn’t know of course. He had wanted to hang out and I was still in that “I don’t think I like him” mode so I said I was too tired. However, clearly not too tired to go shake my rump with Kendall. By Saturday, I still didn’t want to go but he suggested a place I love and I hopped up quick. Typical spoiled Jaycee. I actually had a good time, I must admit. We sat and ate and talked, and I realized I’m a jerk. I left him after that and he probably wanted to hang but I wasn’t sure if he did the bar scenes. He did have a beer at dinner though so I’m probably overthinking as usual. Still I didn’t invite him, I called Taylor and Tish, and they came last minute to meet me at a bar. Alex beat them there. We were sitting outside by the water just talking and I was bored out my mind. He didn’t know I had invited my friends. But boy was I glad I did! They got there and the night started. Alex ordered a drink and didn’t ask if I wanted one. Tish got shots right before and he saw me take it, so clearly he could have offered. We moved to the bar and Taylor is half-Asian, so immediately some Asian guys began ordering us rounds. I don’t know what it was but it was delicious! Meanwhile Alex is back and forth in the bar, I kept trying to include him but I guess he felt awkward. We were never going to work anyway, not that I’d been considering him, I just felt bad I never hung out with him. But he had told me he didn’t believe in God or religion…………… game changer! I was not a perfect Christian but I was one so him totally not being a believer wouldn’t work at all.

“Are you an atheist?” I had asked.

“I wouldn’t call it that, but I definitely don’t believe in that stuff, its total bullshit” he had said.

Soooooo what would you call it then? That’s what I wanted to ask, but it was irrelevant at this point. We actually had a fun night and after my friends left he walked me to my car.

“I was actually worried, I was like she already ate, she doesn’t drink, what are we going to do tonight?” he laughed as we walked.

You never offered one, I was sipping all night. Again stuff I wanted to say but at this point…. Irrelevant.

He hung around my car making small talk, My side of the conversation kept going like this:

I should get going.

I have church in a few hours.

I have to pee.

Yeah well its getting late

Yep, I definitely have to pee.

Well it’s been fun, I’ve got a little drive ahead of me….. And I have to pee.

He kept right on talking until finally I got rude with it, started my car, and shut my door. Adios Alex!

He texted me Sunday and Monday but I hope he got the hint, Jaycee was overrrrrr it!

Sunday at church, I saw Deacon but I did not speak, lol childish. We went out to lunch afterwards, and then to his house because my brake light had went out. I hung out for a bit and we talked for hours. I liked him again J Around 7p.m I had to go meet Baby Boy at the house. When I got there, my Dad was hugging me and Cam sat in the car. Clearly, he was going to make this awkward. I knocked on his window and waved hello. He acted like it was a shock that I was there (bad actor). They hung out for a bit, I got Cam to put Baby Boy’s car seat back in my car, and that is where I realized he hadn’t changed.

My mom and dad were chatting on the porch and Cam whispered “I see your car is cleaned hmmph”.

I igged him but he kept right going “And this seat is pushed back, must have had a guy in here.” He irked me. I have brothers, cousins, uncles, whoever but he immediately wanted to pick. Ol insecure behind, ughhhhhhhhhh.

Monday was spent shopping with my Mom for my townhouse. I move this weekend!!!!

Maybe I'm Gay

It’s true people.

God can send you a good man and spell it out backwards for you, but we never want THOSE ones. We want the ones that mean us no good. I am over Deacon. I can’t even say what it is, I definitely don’t feel the chemistry there. I LOVE texting him without a doubt, but it’s so different in person. We don’t even hug…awkward. I went over earlier this week with Baby Boy and while I had a good time that night when I went back another day and it was just us I felt like I was chilling with a brother.

Then we got into a slight disagreement about me moving. He insists I don’t need to for safety reasons and I should wait six month. Sooooooo is my “safety” status going to miraculously change in six months? I think not.

Then (yes there are a lot is “thens”) I’m at work yesterday and he asked about my day. So I proceeded to tell him I had phone duty, so that consisted of taking all the incoming calls from you wonderful disgruntled Americans (I joke). He asked for the number, I assumed he was joking. He was like that’s okay I’ll find it myself. And he did, and he called, 5 times! He asked for me in my maiden name though so my co-worker told me someone had. I copied the number and counted hoe many times he called. Like why? We had made a bet he couldn’t, but again, I didn’t think he would keep calling, telling me the number and me confirming would have been sufficient enough. That annoyed me, it was childish, I’m at work!

So yeah, I don’t know if I’m feeling him. He asked to chill today and go out somewhere Saturday but I’m considering bailing. I’m just not that into him *shrugs*

On a lighter note, my sperm donor is starting his responsibilities this weekend. Cam and my dad are supposed to pick up Baby Boy from daycare today, well excuse me “school” (he graduated into a class this week!). He will be keeping him until Sunday. My Dad calls me daily because now he thinks Cam may have a fatal attraction. Apparently, I am all he talks about. I really wish I loved Cam, it’s like sperm and eggs wasted because we really do make a beautiful baby. I’d totally have like 5 by him, it would only be right!

Me and Jamison (guy bff) are throwing Kendall a surprise 29^th get together. We all went out to Bonefish on Wednesday because Jamison and his girlfriend are childish. Their 98^th break up occurred and he needed us to tell him everything would be okay. So he invited us out to dinner, and since I had been craving bang bang shrimp, I left Baby Boy with my mom and did 70 mph to get there. Jamison and his ex- girlfriend had decided it would be smart to go through each other’s phones while sitting next to each other. From experience, I know once it even gets to that point the relationship is dead. He had already went thru her phone a week before without her knowing, so this particular time when he looked again he saw she had deleted a lot of things an THAT’S why she didn’t mind letting him go thru it. His, on the other hand, had not been edited. While he isn’t a horrible boyfriend to have, great catch actually, he was a flirt. Therefore, it didn’t go well. Any who, Kendall was complaining how no one ever did anything for her birthday. Shit the eff up! Kendall’s about to be 29, your birthday is a non mothereffing factor at this point. Nevertheless, I love my cousin so I did a little group chat to all our friends telling them who, what, when, where, and how. I’m going to get pissy drunk and act like it’s my birthday. Cause my birthday on the other hand is ALWAYS a big deal, it’s the highlight of everyone’s summer and always a good time! Sue me!

*Dancing* I have successfully dodged Eden all week. In the beginning of the week, he called every day and texted. All he got from me is crickets. I was being dumb and y’all did not even tell me! I’m actually appalled. Maybe no one is reading this, that’s what I’d like to think happened. Because here I am all googly eyed on my ex when he has a whole live in girlfriend! It didn’t hit me until I was actually in New York and he said he could get away AFTER she had sent him that whole” maybe we should break up” text. If he didn’t care, again that would’ve been his way out. He cared, and he catered to her all weekend, THAT’S why he couldn’t get away, Jaycee was the non mothereffin factor in that scenario. And it was just the reality check I needed. So thank Eden, but no thanks. I hope I can keep this up, I know he’s going to throw me a curve ball.

So my vagina is dry, and that sucks for you all, but I’m okay with that. I think… my mind doesn’t seem to be taking it so well. I had the weirdest dream last night and I can’t be for certain that I’m not turning lesbian. I was somewhere in public, it honestly looked like detention. Some girl was kissing me and sucking my breast and it was like the best thing ever. She had me dripping wet and I was supposed to come by her house later. Of course I did, even though I knew I was not a lesbian. She had managed to get me where no one else ever had sexually just from kissing and fondling. For whatever reason I took Kendall with me and it’s some big orgy going on. I see plenty of people I know including my supervisor. Now I’m pissed, because I totally just wanted to find this darn girl and pick up where we left off. My alarm went off though and I was sucked out of my dream though, bummer. Am I gay now? lol

NYC Labor Day Weekend!

New York City was great!

I’ll start from the top, I got there Thursday night and Wendy came and got me from the airport. We went back to her apartment in New Jersey and it’s so cute and artsy. It was not my first time there, we had been there for New Year’s Eve 2013 too but she had really spiced it up. She pulled out some wine and we got to sippin’ and chattin’ and before I knew it I was passed out and snoring. Kendall was on her way up driving and I did not even hear when she came in in the middle of the night.

We got up on Friday and took our time getting ready. Finally around 1 p.m. we headed to the city to meet my other friend from college Asia. Asia lives in Brooklyn, NY; we snatched her up and headed to a Spa. Surprisingly I have never been to a spa. Si I was super excited but that was short lived. Since it was Labor Day weekend, the massages and extra were super crowded. Therefore, we just hung around in the pools and Jacuzzis and took cute pictures. Kendall and Asia went in the nude pool area, which was an eye opener. Literally, I have never seen so many weird shaped people just gleefully whipping their clothes off and showing off those physiques. You go girls!

We headed back to Brooklyn and ended up at a bar that night. Kendall was heading to Philadelphia for a family event. Wendy got me a beer and the rest of the night was totally chill and fun. Eden had texted me earlier. He wanted to meet up, he lived in Yonkers. He wanted me to catch the subway to meet up with him in the city and I felt like why? I had come the longest you could come to me, we went back and forth about it forever before he finally had said that maybe Saturday would work out better and maybe we could do breakfast. That definitely was not happening. We did not get home until 4 a.m. to Asia’s place. I don’t know who told me I was 21 again but I had had a ball, a few guys hollered and its always good to know you still got it lol.

On Saturday we finally were dressed and back to life by 3 p.m. and my other friend Kara met up with us at Asia’s house. I met Kara in college too, Her and Eden had been good friends and she had been Dani’s roommate one year. We all walked to a pizza shop for beer and slices and caught up. Asia had to leave to go to a pre-planned event so Wendy and me went with Kara to one of her friends baby shower that I had met a few times before. It was so cute. We stayed there for a few hours. Eden had hit me up again and explained that he had been trying to get his family’s member’s car because taking the train to me would take about two hours. So what? All the time he had taken complaining about a train ride he could have been there and back. Earlier he had sent me a message his girlfriend had sent him too. It had basically said maybe they didn’t need to be together even though they loved each other because they wanted different things in life. I wondered why he had forwarded it to me, but it was Eden, I guess that was his way of proving to me he wasn’t lying about having trouble in paradise. Only problem was I didn’t care! Deacon had been doing the cutest things. He would send me a picture of flowers while I was away, and cute little text messages, but careful not to overdo it he would always say “Okay enjoy your trip with your friends, I just was thinking about you”. I was so use to guys questioning my every move so this was different. Nice different.

So on Saturday no Eden either. By Sunday, I was over it. He was still hitting me up so I decided to ignore him the rest of the trip. I didn’t need to hear excuses. You either were coming or you weren’t and at this point it was irrelevant. I didn’t come to see him anyway so no harm no foul. We went to Kara’s church that morning, and it was long but awesome. Afterwards we went to get more pizza slices and I found a Japanese restaurant that sold fried ice cream. We hung out with Asia and her family the remainder of the day before heading back to New Jersey, and on Monday I flew home. I scooped up Baby Boy and went home. He fell right out, so I grabbed lunch with Kendall who was back in town. We caught up about our weekends and I was back home in no time bored. Deacon texted me and invited me over, but I told him I had Baby Boy. No way was I ditching him and I had just gotten back. He had slept during my lunch so that worked out but now he was wide awake.

“He can come too,” Deacon had said.

“On my way” I replied. I headed over an I actually had a nice chill evening with him so I thought. However, when I got back home he texted me.

Deacon:  What’s up with you Jaycee. I guess what I mean is you are difficult to read..

Me: I am? You could always just flat out ask me what you want to know. You don’t have to try to figure me out.

Deacon: I’m not trying to figure you out that’s the weird thing. After talking in depth with you your personality managed to grab my attention.

Me: So what’s difficult about me then?

Deacon: You aren’t difficult as a person. You don’t mind chilling or going out. Do you do it because you are bored?

Me: Am I supposed to mind? Cant I just like your company?

I was getting highly annoyed by this text convo. Like what the eff was he trying to say already? I didn’t have the patience for this at all.

Deacon: Duh that should be the purpose behind it. And I was complimenting you on your willingness to just hangout and your diverse personality to go eat or just chill. I think you will go anywhere as long as you are being entertained. Lol

I wasn’t laughing.

Me: Ummm negative. That was my first time trying something I didn’t like to eat. In addition, I wasn’t being entertained tonight, it just flows. As long as I don’t feel awkward I’m lenient to what I will do, so it’s not about entertainment, If I wanted entertainment I can turn on VH1!

Deacon: You make me feel awkward, I know I enjoy your company and conversation.

Me: I make you feel awkward. That’s not good

Deacon: I know you have been thru a bit and I just want you to be happy for a change.

J Cute, but then I sent back like three paragraphs explaining that that’s life and how you go thru things, and I’m thinking I got really deep and all he responded was “Good night”. That pissed me off lol

But, he just texted me now actually, I’m about to tell him about himself, don’t have me typing my little heart away and then you barely respond! Hmmph!