Headed Nowhere FAST!

I write nowhere as much as I use to and I’m sorry! So much is happening!

First off, hug your kids…. I was on Facebook one day looking at a old classmate and their child (she posts regularly) so its one of those kids you feel like you know since you see them so much, ya know? Any who the next day the mom is posting the death! A sudden death, the kid was under five, it really effed me up for a few days, because I’m a mom and I just can’t imagine losing Baby Boy. All the child had was a viral infection, something completely regular and it took them out, has to be the worst thing ever to bury your child. We are truly blessed and take so much for granted I swear, well I know I do.

I know I’m supposed to be focusing on me and leaving guys alone but things just have a way of knocking me off track. I was dead set on this new mission of mines too and I was leaving the bank last Friday. I was looking good and feeling even better. I had my hair in big loose girls and a long tight grey dress on that worked wonders for physique (because you know I’m struggling with my weight lately, dramatically of course because I’m a drama queen). Any who I had it topped off with a cute black leather blazer, and black leather boots with a heel and my huge black leather MK bag. All that black leather so I was feeling pretty Billy Bad Azz! I hoped in my car and I’m backing up an someone starts hounding on the horn.

“WTF, did I hit their darn car” I thought to myself. Cause I have been known to do that. I was about to panick and I looked behind me, the last thing I needed was another accident under my belt, my driving record sucked. A guy rolled his window down. I looked at his front bumper first to see the damage, because if it was bad I swear I was about to flee the scene! It looked fine so I rolled my window down prepping my weasel my way out of this. Such a slickster I am J

He mouthed something and I really was confused as I looked then I finally realized he was asking my name.

“You just going to keep yelling at me from your car?” I asked. He laughed and motioned to give him a minute as he parked and came out towards me. He had on construction worker clothes but he was cute nonetheless.

“Sorry, I saw you coming out the bank and I didn’t want you to get away” he started. I just stared; get to the point, “what’s your name?”

“Jaycee” Shoot, I meant to lie and say my middle name or something, caught me slipping.

“Jaycee huh? That’s cute, you’re cute, I know I sound crazy you just really caught me off guard, you are gorgeous,” he continued to stare.

He was great for my ego but for some reason I saw the sincerity. I was now glad I had decided to abort the ponytail I had been rocking the last few days and actually curl my hair.

“Thanks!” I beamed, “and you are?”

He told me his name was Wells Fargo. Well of course he didn’t say that but that’s what we are going to call him, because that’s my bank. Let’s shorten it to Wells. Me and Wells talked for about three minutes, I told him I was headed to get Baby Boy and again he went on about how I certainly didn’t look like I had ever had a child. Tell that to the scale, I wanted to say. I did end up giving him my number and I know that was probably a bad idea. I know, I know, I know but he was nice! And I hadn’t met him in a club or anything like that so I figured what if this was Mr. Right? (Speaking of my weight issue, I totally quit my 21 Days of Fitness on Day 5, the weekend messed me up, smh. I had a good run though, I thought I was going to make it this go round). Usually Kendall is my go-to person because she is always down to lose weight, but shes knocked up, so what does she care about getting fat, its inevitable for her. Sucks for me tho.

Meanwhile Deacon had texted me asking where I was. Deacon came thru in a clutch last weekend, I might be repeating myself but he babysat Baby Boy for me and did great! I wanted to work OT Saturday and my mom had an event and all my friends that I would have trusted (Only Taye and Kendall) were busy. I know Sweet Canadian asked where I worked and I’m a federal government employee. I work for an agency that you all probably have frequented and hate and I’m paid on that wonderful GS pay scale (sarcasm). The promotions I’m applying for are a GS-11, which is around $82,000, so let’s keep our fingers crossed for that. I’m only in the $54,000 range now.

Sunday Jamison (male BFF) went to church with me, I was telling him about Deacon on the way there and I do not know what he expected but they ended up meeting.

“Don’t fuck this up Jaycee I like him” Jamison said after church.

“But he’s not THEE one!” I fussed.

“He’s opposite of you, that’s wonderful in itself” he joked.

“No you don’t get it, I always feel like I’m being evaluated when I’m with him or have to be perfect” I tried to explain.

“Just let it flow, you are thinking about walking down the aisle just live for tight now. Last time you got to thinking you ended up married to Cam’s ass, I liked him too though. Y’all being these men around me and I like them then you just kick them to the curb!” Jamison ranted.

“Shut up!” I playfully punched him. He dropped me off and then I headed to lunch with Deacon. I liked being around him, but the one thing he accused me of was true: I entertained other males. It was just conversation mostly but I did it. I told him it was because he was so inconsistent. One week he’s around and great and the next he’s goes missing because I “pissed him off”. Grow up!

 We went back to my house after, drank hot chocolate, and watched Annie. I was not aware it wasn’t in theaters yet when I face booked everyone to go see it. It was so clear I thought it was a DVD! But like I said it’s definitely worth going to see, I loved it.

Wells has actually been calling and texting regularly. Me, Kendall, and another friend were at a seafood restaurant and he stopped by to say hey. He was walking his “Chihuahua” in the area and when I went outside to greet him it was a freaking pit bull! I can’t stand big dogs, well dogs period! Sorry I’m no animal lover by far, we chatted for a few before I went back inside, but he’s definitely a sweetie pie.

Cam and me are arguing every other day. I swear it is not me. He insists on making my life a living hell. I asked him did he want to keep Baby Boy the weekend before Christmas up until Christmas Day to spend some time with him. He claimed he would probably be working, cool! So I decided why not hit up another city for the holidays with my family. I told my mom and she was all for it. I told Cam and now its “Did you even factor me in? I want to see him on Christmas too!” I thought he had to work.

Last night we went to Deacons, he wanted to talk to Baby Boy. I had been down in the slumps because I blamed myself that his male role model was a effing jerk. So I give it to Deacon he had been stepping up. We went there and all had dinner and Baby Boy was on his best behavior, way different from what I deal with because he totally only listens to me when he feel like it. They played after and we actually had a good time. Deacon is awesome when he’s in a good mood, which only means a bad one is brewing. Any little thing I do can piss him off, like clockwork. Like my mom called and I told her Kendall was coming over to put up the tree.

“So you just weren’t going to ask me huh?” Deacon shook his head.

“I didn’t know you wanted to do that” I shrugged, I hadn’t, shoot I didn’t even want to do it.

“You just treat me so bad Jaycee, I try to do everything to make you happy but you don’t think about me when you should” Deacon went on.

I wanted to yell out “IT’S A FREAKING CHRISTMAS TREE SHUT THE EFF UP!” Instead, I let him cool off and waited until today to ask him did he want to come over and help.

He immediately said he would, such a freaking brat. I’ve learned to pick my battles with him and could I really be mad that he actually WANTED to help put up a tree for MY child? Absolutely not.

So, in a nutshell, I guess I made no progress at all male wise huh?

Reality Check

Everyone should go read the last comment on the previous post from Sweet Canadian to me, its lengthy but she made some strong points and she made me realize while I claim to say I’m living and learning, what I’m really doing is living…. learning…. and repeating.

I know this to be true especially with Cam. Cam reels his way back in because we have a child together. As long as he thinks, there is a chance he will go above and beyond if I ask for anything. A few weeks ago he came down and bought a vacuum (since I said baby boy kept spilling things), groceries (I said we needed snacks), some costume jewelry (because I threw it in the cart), and anything else my little hands and mind could think up. We went out to eat and the whole works. Since then though I chilled out from him because I did realize it was feeling more like we were “working things out” and I don’t want that. So yesterday, I looked on Facebook and he had a status that read: Countdown to Miami! New Year’s eve!!! Can’t wait.

He had previously invited me but I said why would I go to Miami with you, when you can’t even do all I need for you to do for our son. So then he said “Well let’s take him to NY to see the Christmas lights and stuff at Macys, and then we can drop him off and shoot to Miami”. He needed to be slapped. You have money to do all this huh? So I tested him yesterday.

Me: Tomorrow I’m going to need an extra $80. I want to pay daycare ahead of time and Baby Boy needs some things.

Now mind you I have not been talking to Cam or visiting him as much as he would like so he’s pissed off.

Cam: I’m putting the same amount in there I always do Jaycee $150. I don’t have to give you extra cash, tell me what he needs and I’ll get it.

Me: Ok, thanks.

I was not going to argue with him. However, the dummy felt guilty because soon after he wrote me again.

Cam: I need to start saving and pay off my other debts, I can’t be giving you all my money.

This negro pays NO bills where he lives and gives me $150 every 2 weeks, which is effing NOTHING when to comes to taking care of a child, he’s getting off scott free. In addition, I can’t even take him for child support because he gets paid under the table so I really wouldn’t get anything. Defeated I just replied “ok”. I have to realize, like Sweet Canadian said, that we divorced for a reason. If him and me are good he’s a great dad and will get him every weekend and do whatever he needs to do as a parent. When he doesn’t think there’s a chance with me its,  “I’m working every day I won’t be able to get him for a while, I’ll put the money for the week in your account”. That’s not being a parent. I work every day too but I can’t pick and choose when it’s convenient to be a mother, I have to work that ish out. But I’m okay with this, I really am, it’s an eye opener. So if I ever get back talking sweetly about Cam: CHECK MY ASS QUICK!”

Deacon slid his way back in, but the feelings have changed, on my end anyway. He probably thinks we are fine but I am no longer head over heels for him. Moreover, while he thinks he’s the greatest guy, I just simply don’t feel that way. He is a lousy boyfriend. He does not talk on the phone that much, his texts are usually complaints, and he doesn’t want me to do ish! He came over the other night and did some things around my house that needed to be done, which I was grateful for. We had been on bad terms still the weeks prior, so Monday I met him for lunch and we chatted, and he came over that night, and we banged. I think that’s why I’m keeping him around, his sex is really good, but we don’t even do it often. He called it “make-up sex”. Whatever!

We probably are so much better off as just friends, but I don’t know how to approach that just yet. As you can tell I suck at distancing myself from people or cutting them off, but I KNOW for a fact he is going to get irate about SOMETHING soon so I’m just kind of waiting for it and then I plan on saying “Ok! This isn’t working!” lol wimp move I know.

On a brighter note away from men, my job has an immediate opening I have put in for, I feel like now is the time I should focus on my career. I was going to go for my Master’s but if I get this promotion that’s out the window lol. Not to mention I will save a heap of money that I was going to have to spend on tuition.

 My social life with my friends is doing well. I have been trying to see everyone more when I can but lately I have been panicking about my weight. I have always been 129 and under. Usually around 124-128 lbs. Well the other day I’m at work and my darn jeans kept biting into my flesh. I got home and got on my scale and that biotch read 134! I literally screamed. I am use to eating whatever I want and not working out and just maintaining my physique. Even after the kid, that weight fell right off without me trying in a matter of weeks. I was truly blessed. But now ish has hit the fan. So I grabbed Baby Boy and went to Wal-Mart and got me some Special K and some almonds and dug out my “21 Day Fix workout“ tape. I vowed to leave the fast food alone and stick to a little diet for 21 days. I’m only on Day 4 and the crap hasn’t seemed to work AT ALL.

For one I got on the scale last night and it said 137.5. So I actually GIANED 3.5 pounds. That was total BS. I know they say that may happen because you gain muscle and all that but eff that! I don’t want muscle I want this bulge in my belly GONE! December 23^rd is the deadline so I will keep y’all posted. My Annual Christmas party at my house is that day so I plan on looking my best so this got darn wench “Autumn” on my workout DVD better be legit!

Birthday Blues...

Happy Birthday to Taye!! This weekend was my BFF’s birthday weekend and it was FREEZING! I knew she had a weekend planned, so I prepped Deacon ahead of time to let him know I would be booked basically after Friday. I did not expect him to understand because he is SOOOOO mature and doesn’t understand who still celebrates birthdays the way me and my friends do at our age.

Any who my plans were halted when Baby Boy got sick, I got him the flu shot, well the nasal spray flu thingy and it triggered a fever. My mom suggested she keep him because he was already over there and she considered it too cold to take him outside. LOL! She just wanted to keep him I’m sure. But it was already planned that Cam would get him for the weekend. I thought he would fuss but instead he accommodated us all and volunteered to come to us to see Baby Boy that way he still could stay local.

So, I’m getting off track, Friday I suggested to Deacon that we should hang since that’s the ONLY day Taye didn’t have something scheduled. We went to a seafood restaurant and it was delicious. He was catching a cold so his throat was sore so he asked for hot tea and spiked it with gin. While he was drinking it he goes “I’m so glad I’ll be starting a new job and can drink again, I use to be an alcoholic” Wait….. what? You tell me this as you order round after round of shots. I asked for the check and I drove us to the next destination after quizzing him about his latest confession. He kept shrugging it off so I don’t know if he was serious or joking but sheesh! We ended up at a bowling alley, where I demolished him in strikes and then we called it a night because I was working overtime the next morning. He told me since I had plans he was going to head to the country to visit family. Perfect. Or so I thought.

The next day I went to work and then to hang with Baby Boy at my moms. But, he was sleep, I went to Taye’s place a little early to help set up for her get together. Overall, it was okay, she ended up getting pretty hammered and annoying so I left and decided to call it a night. Deacon was nowhere to be found. He claimed “Bad reception out here in the country”. Did I trip on that? No, not a big deal. The next day I went to church and he was absent, I texted him and he said he was home cooking with a headache. I asked him specifically did he want me to come over after service and he said “Not unless you want to get sick”. I certainly did not so I spent the afternoon with my sick kid again until it was time for Taye’s birthday dinner. I texted Deacon a few times but he didn’t reply to anything, I figured he was sleeping.

When that psycho woke up he went off! Saying how I’m supposed to be his girlfriend and I should have canceled my plans if I knew he needed me, and he would have done that for me.

First things first you have a cold NOT Ebola for heaven’s sake. Secondly I asked and you told me no, and third my kid was sick too so sorry you are not my first priority. I told him I could run to get him anything but he wanted to continue with his temper tantrum and I did not have time for that. Taye’s dinner had been a good time with good friends and he was ruining my Sunday vibe. Therefore, I said good night and let him be. I did text his this morning, he decided to stay petty and be short with me so that’s fine too.

I told my older cousin about it this morning and she thinks he’s a subtle control freak. The type that slowly pulls you away from friends and doesn’t want you doing anything without him. That sounds like the old Cam! And I’m not here for that. Sucks for Deacon though because this time I did NOTHING wrong, in my eyes at least and I’m not kissing your tail over a cold. So be mad! This relationship is starting to feel like a part time job. He thinks because he was his life in order I should basically worship him. I can appreciate you being successful but your attitude sucks at times.

Other than that all is well. Baby Boy is doing better, I really think the flu shot just caused a temperature. Works fine, I am applying for promotions, and the holidays are approaching! Me and Cam have been getting along and I have no complaints honestly……… so that’s a blessing!

I'm Alive!

Sorry guys, I’m fine! I had a mental breakdown right after my last post. Deacon cut me off! He washed his hands of me and surprisingly I was heartbroken. I couldn’t figure out if I really cared or if I just didn’t like the fact that HE was the one that cut the cord. Either way I laid holed up in my house for about a week depressed. I told all my friends not to bother me and was a complete BIOTCH. The weekend before I had thought something happened to him. So me, Kendall, and Taye staged a stakeout at his house. Didn’t last long before we got bored, all it did was worry me more because he wasn’t home and it was late. So, we went to my house and called all the hospitals just to be safe. Nothing came up and I was a nervous wreck until I got to church Sunday, Low and behold the bastard was up there and look perfectly fine! I was pissed! He smirked at me, but we didn’t talk and after church I went off. Didn’t help, he said he was basically done, and that’s when reality set in.

I know I shouldn’t have tried to be a little player but I was honestly confused. And I know I put myself in the situation but what the hell!? To cut me of? I tried everything too to break him down and finally agreed to let me come over. After a bunch of games anyway, he was really taking advantage. He would say a time, then change it, then he said he was coming over, then he would say no come to him, bull crap like that but I did it. I ended up writing a super long email saying how much he meant to me, and the bastard laughed! I ended up crying and that is when he softened up and told me he just wasn’t sure he could get pass me being so blatantly disrespectful. Especially since I knew how his ex-had cheated. I got it; I think I just thought I was too good to be dumped. Like I could get away with anything. Not this go round.

Therefore, I picked up the pieces, and got myself back on track. I apologized to my friends an got my hair done, an my nails and feet, and started dressing up super classy for work. Anything to lift my spirits. And you know who started showing up? Deacon! I can’t remember how it started but he was back to coming around and staying the night and taking me out and for a while we were…………….. normal again.

I said if I got him back I was cutting everyone off, but during our “break”, Eden actually was my listening ear. And he wasn’t being biased. So when we got back on track it was bittersweet for Eden. Fast forward and last week I’m sitting around watching TV and Deacon says “646…………… hmmm I don’t know anyone with a New York area code” then he laughed. I knew someone, Eden! I didn’t think anything of it, but then I glanced at my phone and Eden had texted me. Nothing crazy but he had definitely texted and asked, “Are you still ignoring me?” There was no way possible Deacon had saw my phone, it had been face down. Weird right?

I slept on it and decided either he’s a effing weirdo, or he hacked my phone! I asked him why he said “646” and his response was “It just popped in my head; I told you I have visions, and I know you are having inappropriate conversations with someone in NY, I’m asking you to stop before I get fed up. If I’m your man you have no reason to still be conversing with other men 3 months into our relationship”.

I was SO freaked out. That’s weird I don’t care how you slice and dice it. So everyone has been being ignored on my phone. Let them think I fell off the face of the Earth so be it!

Everyone except Cam, he is determined to make me see he has changed. I don’t want to get into that though, this is enough for now on him.

Anyway, Deacon was fine then we were battling the whole celibate thing again since we slipped up and he decided he shouldn’t stay over anymore. I was fine with that but he was being distant. I asked him was he becoming unsure about us, but he kept saying that wasn’t the case at all he was just going thru a lot. He said I don’t support him and I definitely do, so I asked what else could I be doing? This bastard said : By not riding my back. Meaning pressing him! The nerve! That was rude, but okay. He wants me to not press him? Got it, watch how it feels when I pay your tail no mind!

 Wendy came down about a week ago and he freaked me out then too. We went out with Kendall to a club and they both drove. I rode there with Kendall and back with Wendy. And he texted asking where I was, I told him. He asked how I got home and I said Kendall, not thinking. He said “You are lying I KNOW Kendall didn’t drive you home!” I’m thinking what’s the big deal anyway, but his theory was “if you will lie about something as small as that you will lie about anything”. Long story short I went to his house afterwards and he started again with this vision theory. He said he had a vision of Wendy driving me home, a black car (which Wendy has), and a guy whispering in my ear at the bar. So again, either he was spying or he’s got some weird special powers lol

I took a much-needed break because I had way too much going on to even put into words. It’s halfway figured out but you know me…… I cannot walk a straight path to save my life. There’s always SOMETHING and nothing has changed trust me!

Fall Cleaning!

Deacon’s done. I think so anyway. We got into a big spat about me going to my Dads house. Cam lives with my Dad. I had to pick up Baby Boy and it’s an hour away and I didn’t want to leave and have to come right back so I went the day before. He said it was disrespectful, agreeable. But he also didn’t offer any alternatives like riding with me so I wouldn’t have to drive alone or anything like that.

Either way I haven’t seen him in a week. Since last Saturday morning, so it will be a week tomorrow. Am I upset? Nope. Nonchalant pretty much. Monday I was in my feelings over it, even by Wednesday I was hoping he would come over. Here it is Friday and I have actually gotten comfortable NOT seeing him and all his antics.

We are supposed to go to his cousins wedding tomorrow, SO not going to happen. I cancelled my hair appointment. Mad or not mad if you wanted me to go you should have made peace by now. He has been acting like the biggest child all week and saying THEE worst things. For instance (and I do not want any talk back on this) I missed my period. Some may say this is what I get for lying to Eden but whatever. It could be that Plan B pill I took, or I could very well be pregnant. I told Deacon and he said he would buy a test. So on Wednesday night I asked him did he get it?

Deacon: Nope, I’m not buying you nothing. If you are pregnant, you will just have another deadbeat daddy on ya hands.

I hung up on him. How rude was that? And Cam isn’t a deadbeat………. Lately. But I talk too darn much and I am too trusting because he used that against me the first chance he got. And that’s what I texted and told him.

Deacon: I apologize sweetheart. You are right that was awful to say I was just upset.

Me: Yep.

And that’s when the ball got in my court, and I have been short and sweet ever since and basically over Deacon. I just simply don’t know if this is the real him or another side of him but either way I am not feeling it and can do without it, which I also told him.

So tonight I made plans to bar hop with my friends in Halloween get ups. Last night I took Baby Boy and his cousins Trick or Treating at a nursing home. So cute and they had a ball. Tonight we will be at church and then my mom is taking him out thru her neighborhood, which is fine by me. I would have just been sitting home bored, so when my friend asked me to peruse my city with her I said “heck yeah!”

I also scheduled myself to work on Saturday and family pictures afterwards, so screw Deacon’s wedding and whatever game he is trying to play, especially since I think he disinvited me anyway. Because if we were going I would totally need time to get my hair done and color coordinate our outfits so obviously he didn’t care. Noted! He had told me last week we were probably just going to do the ceremony and not the reception. What the eff kind of fun was that, the receptions are the best part. Turns out he had forgotten to RSVP, that’s wack because I was definitely hyped up about going. I’ve been trying to get to a good wedding all year!

I have a date planned with the BFF Tay Saturday evening, so I’m pretty sure the next time I’ll see Deacon is at church. I plan on being in and out and looking SHARP while doing so. Oh the games we play. Sure I’m over us, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make him miss me, especially since he made that rude tail comment. Jerk!

Cam tried to ambush me into a relationship. He actually came down and saw my townhouse and cooked us dinner and spent some time with Baby Boy. I had to check him and slow him down. “We” were not happening. Not anytime soon, clearly I need to be in NOONE’S relationship. I also pat myself because I kept my vow of celibancy.  Now if I can get out of this pregnancy scare I will be good to go.

*Please Lord don’t let me be knocked up, I didn’t know Deacon was such a jerk*

On the flip side Kendall is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember they told her she couldn’t have kids??? Well look at God! She’s super early and not due until July, so technically she shouldn’t be telling everyone, but we are all so excited for her, such a blessing! However, I do hope I will not be joining her for babies in 2015.

My manager is helping me spice up my gov’t resume. I don’t talk about my job much because… well….. I hate it! I always put in for jobs and always make all the cuts, up until the actual selection process then I lose. We have to compete with veterans and they win every time. So she was suggesting we look over what I was sending in and apparently mines was doing me no justice. I hope that giving it a makeover will do me some good.

I also realized maybe instead of looking for a guy to keep me from boredom maybe I should use something else, something with more longevity, so I applied for my Master’s degree! I go to do the walk thru of campus on Monday. I’m kind of scared, kind of happy, but I would have it in 1.5 years and that would take up my free time tremendously I’m sure and after that year and a half this “hobby” won’t leave me, it will be with me forever and ever. Not a bad idea right?

I haven’t talked to Eden, and I don’t plan on it, I didn’t let him think I had an abortion, but he also didn’t ask for the money back, just said he was glad I didn’t have to go thru with it. We never really established what really happened we just let it be known that an abortion DIDN’T happen and I wasn’t having a baby. I don’t think we will be chatting again, there was no yelling or angriness but we are better off just exiting each other’s lives basically.

I’m doing fall clean up’s hopefully y’all are seeing my progress! I’m trying to iron these wrinkles out I have created!

Nope!

I decided to do some answers in a posting, just in case people do not read the comments.

No, I never told Eden the truth, and no I don’t plan on it. It is done, I did it, can’t say I regret it though. I’m up and down about it, all those times he was a jerk, karma has come back around, but that’s also means it’s going to pay me a visit as well.

Like my period being late, should have been here yesterday and I’m not panicking…….. yes I am!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like this is a test. If I do not tell him, I’m going to be pregnant and if I do I won’t be. I sound silly I know but this is how my mind operates.

I think you all forget too I am human. Of course it’s great to always do what’s right, but we usually don’t. I am not perfect, I get myself into the dumbest things and I have no excuse for that. I can only promise you that I am being honest with you and I don’t mind the comments, I actually like to hear the positive and negative. Cause that is real!

I did get my key back from Deacon, he didn’t want to give it back! But I told him this was too much too soon and we needed to backtrack. He wasn’t feeling that, I also told him he can’t be there every night. I need time like someone said to get my affairs in order. Literally my AFFAIRS! Last night Deacon and me went to Bible study and then a place I wanted to try for dinner, and while it was nice, there is something missing. It’s so new that I don’t know if I have always felt this way or if Cam is clouding my judgment.

My friends aren’t 50/50 but they have all expressed whatever I decide they will back me either way. I hate that, don’t tell me what I want to here, that’s why I like this blog, tell me when I’m being dumb!

*Sigh* it is hard to be honest on here, because at first I wasn’t going to mention the Eden thing because I KNEW the backlash that would occur, so just know its not easy baring your soul.

I’m not going to say what everyone wants to hear just for the sake of being likeable. I like Cam, and I like Deacon, that’s the truth. Cam is doing major changes, and I think that’s why it’s important to be single after break ups and not rush into anything. I explained to Deacon that I think we are moving excessively fast. I probably should have kept at it and told him how I felt but I just can’t hurt people’s feelings. I feel awful. I do know, eventually someone will get hurt, so I have to do something and quick.

Other than this guy drama, I’m prepping for a girls night tomorrow with Kendall and some friends from high school. Baby Boy is going with Cam for the weekend so I get a little break. He’s doing awesome and even learning sign language. I have a baby genius on my hands.

So sorry if this isn’t what anyone wanted to hear, but I have yet to do anything positive in these situations….. sue me!

Threesomes are hard work!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :(

I just seriously complicated my life.

It all started last weekend, I ended up going to take Baby Boy to see Cam. Visit actually turned out good. My Dad thought I came to see him so I ended up spending the day with him, Cam, and my 4 siblings my Dad has. Deacon was texting me periodically, and sometimes I wrote right back other times, I didn’t. I was having family time!

I’m going to just get right to it, I ended up sleeping with Cam, not once either, like 20 times that night. All night long, different positions and everything, I even found myself comparing the 2 (each is different in all areas though). I do not know what got into me, we were just having such a good time and getting along and just being us. Deacon had been irking me because I just felt like he was so judgmental and clearly, I am making excuses, I was just being a scandalous girlfriend.

Any who I got back home and met up with Deacon and now I’m in a love triangle. My Dad isn’t helping, he feels like Cam has really changed and means well and knows what he lost. Which is fine but he still lost his chance. Not going to diss Deacon when technically he’s done nothing wrong. Cam apparently was talking to this Lieutenant and shes as dumb as a doorknob. She wants kids and is aware he has three with just as many women. Well apparently after me and Baby Boy left, my Dad heard Cam call her up and tell her “We can’t talk anymore, I’m going to try to win my ex-wife back”. I asked him why the heck would he do that because he’s aware I talk to someone as well, who I’m pretty serious about.

“I just don’t want anything hindering me if I have the slightest chance with you, so she had to go” he had replied.

Ughhhh. This post is going to be short; I am in a bad place. Now I’m confused and juggling the two. What have I freaking done? I hate threesomes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suck with options FYI

Why does life throw curveballs? And why the heck would life think I’m the one that wants to play catch with those curve balls?

Yesterday I entertained Cam. Not intentionally. He hit me up and asked me could I come to some “Peace Offering Celebration”

Me: What the eff is that Cam?

Cam: Event is this Saturday, can you make it or not?

Me: What event?

Cam: Yes or no, that’s all I want to know

Me: I don’t know Homecoming is this weekend, I was trying to go to that but its not looking too bright honestly, money problems.

I always talked about lack of money to Cam, I just wanted to rub in that my life wasn’t as peachy cream as he thought it to be.

Cam: Well if you drive up I’ll get you a room, I’ll take Baby Boy with me for the night. I want to talk to you face to face though and see him, and maybe take y’all out.

Of course you do. This opened up a can of worms, he spent the rest of the day talking about how he has changed and realized the little things he got mad at me for weren’t even really worth the argument, and if I give him a chance to prove that I won’t regret it. But I regret every time I’ve given him a chance to prove something, cause Cam doesn’t change, he camouflages. Then he turns right back into his true colors. I still can’t front though I missed him, we were good together we were GOOD. But the bad outweighed the good so he had to go. But there were things I could do with Cam I can’t do with Deacon. Call me immature, cause I know its coming. Cam is well rounded. We could go to church and to a bar. Not to get sloppy drunk, but just to enjoy the music and sip something. Deacon isn’t going to a bar, he drinks, way more than me in fact and will even order it when we are out. But, all we do is dinner and movies, the occasional bike ride, and nothing else outside of that. I know me….. it’s going get old real quick. I am not a routine person. That’s why this little get away with Cam sounded right up my alley, it was out the blue and all I had to do was show up. I didn’t tell him I was considering it tho, I just let him tell me sweet nothings all evening and then let an attitude build up towards Deacon.

Deacon had texted me and said he would be over around 7 since I had told him I wasn’t going to Bible Study. This was great because usually he never made it over until after 9 when I was already settled in bed (he stayed over every night, yep every single one).

So I met Kendall and chatted for a bit to kill time and before heading home. I was telling her about Cam’s texts.

“You are playing with fire Jaycee, you are going to go up there and get all in your feelings and cheat!” Kendall warned me.

I shook my head at her “I won’t, shoot I hope I wouldn’t, I’m SO not a cheater, but you are right, it’s very possible.” And me and Cam made such a cute baby, ugh why was he so fine? I left Kendall and drove home with all my wild thoughts.

Deacon was texting me but my other friend stopped by and time got away from me as we caught up. Reagan and me got to gossiping basically. Reagan is my friend from high school, who had a baby late last year, she’s really self-conscious because she has gained all this weight, but she’s cute a s a button. Her boyfriend is trash though basically. Meanwhile Deacon was blowing my phone up and I just never responded. He didn’t want anything, he had just texted me and I told him 7 was cool. He was the type that wanted long responses, for what? I’ll see you when you get here. Reagan left around six, and Deacon had texted me again.

Deacon: Why did it take you an hour to respond?

I explained to him my friend had come over and we were talking. Looking back on it I could have just said “Reagan” so he would know it was a female but I didn’t, I left the door open for him to assume. He told me he was now going to Bible Study and would be over after. Not going to lie I got pissed. Why the eff did you tell me 7 then? In addition, that would be how Cam got so much of my attention that evening. I was bored and pissed and entertained him for longer than I should have, and it was all Deacons fault. Okay it wasn’t but I hated that he waited until the last minute to cancel on me. He’s lucky it was for church or I really would’ve spazzed. Deep down I just hated that he always came over after the day was gone. I kind of feel like it’s to avoid Baby Boy which is fine, but just state that, I would completely understand. But that can’t be it because in the mornings he will ask can he wake him up and things like that. So I do not know.

Long story short, he came over, we argued about the whole situation, and went to bed mad, he could have stayed home for all that. This morning was tense and we have been texting but my end is definitely forced. I want to lash out again, but for what? It’s no point really.

Deacon is starting to bore me………………….. okay bore isn’t the right word. Irritate me, I don’t like bickering, I did that with Cam, and I’m seeing a pattern with him. He really blew me last night. I have to figure all this out.

P.S No I didn’t tell Eden the truth yet……. And no I don’t know if I will. That’s a hard pill to cough back up guys!

I'm pregnant!

It would be too much like right for me to just enjoy a no-drama lifestyle huh?

Apparently so. Let’s start with Friday. Cam came and got Baby Boy earlier that day so I was going to have the weekend to myself. Yayyyyy finally! He really needed to spend time with his kid.

Any who I spent my Friday night at a church sing out Deacon was performing. Afterwards, we headed out to eat before our usual freak fest. Like seriously we have sex every single day. Which would be fine but I’m so not a sexual person so I’m surprised at myself. But whatever.

Saturday he had another event and I was having dinner with friends. We spent a few hours together in between time and he was at my townhouse while I went to dinner so I bought him food back and of course, our night caps.

This leads me to Sunday where I created the drama. Church had been fine, no one knew we were dating but I had sat with him at dinner after service and it looked innocent enough. I was a social butterfly afterall. I had Baby Boy back but we were planning to go see Addicted at the movies (Horrible movie, book was so much better) (Another side note, we saw Equalizer too, that way wayyyyy better). So, Baby Boy was with my mom. Right before the movie, I got into a hug argument with Cam on the amount of child support he paid me. It’s so mediocre and he has no bills, so call me money hungry but he could do more! Deacon is right there, mouthing to me not to argue about it. I’m igging him because he has no freaking kids so he doesn’t know what the heck he’s talking about anyway. I hung up the phone pissed off and over the whole matter, and we had missed the got darn movie and the next one was 2.5 hours later. It was Sunday, I was tight that this had gotten me so worked up.

“Stop arguing about this with him, go down to Child Support and get his tail on something-“ Deacon was beginning to preach.

“Yeah ummm I don’t really want to talk about it anymore and no one asked you!” I threw my hand up at him.

“Well I do, don’t take it out on me because you are frustrated” he kept at it.

“AGAIN! I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It.” I reiterated, “So drop it dang!”

“You know what I’m going home, I didn’t do anything but care about the situation and try to calm you and you are getting upset and blunt like I’m the one upsetting you.” Deacon stood up.

I simply said “Goodnight then” and waved. Go home then shoot. My head was hurting now. I let him leave and walk to his car and honestly, I didn’t think he was going anywhere. When I got up to check his car was gone. Well dang! I tried to call him back but we just fussed. Deacon had kept telling me he had a problem with the way I spoke to him. However, I never really felt it was out of line. We hung up getting nothing accomplished an I was about to cry thinking the worst when a light bulb went off in my head:

Call Eden!

So I did. No answer. Good.

My phone rang and it was Deacon apologizing that he shouldn’t have walked out but he just cares about me so much that it upsets him when I let Cam get me to that point. He went on staying he will try to stay out of it.

“Well I’m still mad you left like that, you know I’m dramatic I was crying” I lied. I didn’t cry but I felt like it, feel guilty Deacon!

“That’s why I’m headed to get you now we are gonna go get that cake thing you like and then catch that next movie” he smiled, I could tell he thought he had me.

“No that’s okay I’m just gonna stay in, I’ll see you tomorrow” I shut him down, lying again. My mouth was already drooling thinking about the ice cream and cake combo I could be tasting in a few moments.

“Too bad sweetheart, already in route, get ya stuff together” he hung up.

I smiled and got ready and we did just that. The movie sucked but it made us horny as crap. We barely made it in the door before we were tearing clothes off. I swear I was put in 50 different positions that night/morning, but that was the highlight of the movie: the one we made on our own. Lol

Too bad during the night Eden texted me back.

Eden: Either you called to tell me to stop calling you or you are preggo.

Preggo? That never crossed my mind. The genius in me decided to run with that. Don’t judge me. When he called again I answered and told him yes, I was in fact pregnant and it was his. THIS is how we know Eden is full of crap. IF he felt about me how he CLAIMS, this would be a ball of fun for him. He gets me in his life for the next 18 years. But no, Eden goes into script about how it isn’t a good time, he’s in his situation, and blah blah blah. He does not have to convince me little does he know.

“When can you help pay to get rid of our problem then?” I said bluntly.

“Are we going 50/50?” he asked.

“Are we both laying on that table 50/50? No, so no there will be no 50/50 of anything, you pay for it and then I never want to hear from you again” I told him.

“I’ll put the money in your account, I’m really sorry about this Jaycee you don’t understand how much this is hurting me right now” he went on.

He’s right I don’t. I asked Kendall and Tay was this effed up. 2 totally different responses.

Kendall: Normally I would say yes, but FUCK HIM! He goes thru all these lengths calling and harassing you, and calling your friends, and now this happens and he’s so distraught but he isn’t saying keep it, so take that niggas money! I can’t stand his ass anyway.

Tay: Tell the truth Jace, this had Karma written all over it, just say you are joking an let it go. You have moved on; don’t play these games with him.

I was in too deep though, and have I really moved on?

I went into work this morning an Eden had texted me.

Eden: I haven’t slept all night, have you considered keeping it?

All I need in this life of sin..... is me and my boyfriend

Hey y’all!

I’m fresh back to work from a trip with the boyfriend. Yup, boyfriend lol

Let’s start from where I left you all since it’s been a while, I didn’t think anyone was keeping up, my life’s been a little “regular” compared to how it was so I had fell back from the blog.

Eden has been on a mission to get me to respond, and I can honestly say I have no desire to whatsoever. He even went as far as to call my friend Tish, he thinks she’s his plug. So, this week I finally came up with a plan. If I respond to Eden and tell him to “f#@k off” he will only go harder. It’s like some of turn on for him. But, if I got Tish to hit him up and make him think she was telling him a secret, he would be too prideful to contact me. So that’s the option I went with. I got Tish to text him and simply say “Jace has a boyfriend and they are getting pretty serious, but that’s between me and you.”

Eden: Oh aight, figured something was up. But she can at least say what’s up, but whatever.

Tish: True, guess she’s still upset about your whole situation. They are on vacation too now so maybe that’s why.

Eden: Fuck it….. I miss her and Baby Bo, long as she good its all good, wish her nothing but the best. I’ll fall back. Much success to her and good luck!

Now THAT was a bit much, but I haven’t heard from him so maybe that was the nail in the coffin, this just happened yesterday though so I won’t do somersaults. It’s not that I don’t miss Eden terribly, I DO! I love him, but it’s so unhealthy and unrealistic to think that something will ever come of us. I love the life I use to have with Eden and that’s just not us anymore, so I have to wear my big girl pants and let it go.

Enough of that. Deacon was going on a freaking 7 day trip to visit his family. I wasn’t pissed, but I was so used to being around him I didn’t know what to do or what I’d do for 7 darn days without him. He was leaving that Wednesday and the weekend before was Kendall’s birthday so that’s why every night after I had went to him. Monday came and he came over too and we boo loved, and I assumed Tuesday would be the same way, since he was departing the next morning. He had opted to drive and it would take a full day. Who does that? Anywho he texted me Tuesday night and it went something like this:

Deacon: Finally home just finished packing. How are you feeling?

Me: I feel fine, we went to the park earlier, stayed out later with Baby Boy then I planned to. Are you excited? I always get excited before a trip!

Deacon: I am so sleepy I’m actually afraid. Lol

Me: You didn’t even come tell me bye L

Deacon: come on you know my time has been tight today

Me: Yeah, no you are fine, I know today was busy for ya. Have a safe trip I’ll try to entertain you during the ride and I’ll miss you lots!

Deacon: I’m sad because I don’t get to see you before I leave.

Me: Come over

Deacon: Way too tired. I’m laying in bed.

Now I was pissed. Like why even bring it up, I ignored all texts with him for the rest of the night, if you are so tired carry your tail to sleep, you don’t need to be up texting me, right?

The next day was strained with us. He knew I was upset and I did too. But when I asked my friends they all agreed I was being the petty one.

“He has a full day of driving Jaycee, that’s understandable if he was tired” one of my cousins had said.

“Shut up, he lives 5 minutes away from me, the time it took him to keep texting me he could’ve been there, he’s leaving for a effing week, I’m not wrong for being mad” I argued.

After the third person disagreed with me I apologized to Deacon, he was still a little nippy that it took that much but eventually we got over it. I was joking later that evening as we talked.

“I should fly out next week and spend the day in the city and ride back with you, I’m due for a getaway,” I laughed. I really was off that Monday and he was coming back Tuesday, but it was already Wednesday a flight would be sky high.

“That’s not a bad idea, look up the flights, I’ll go half with you and I’ll get the hotel, we can spend the day like you said and leave out the next day.

Long story short that Monday I was boarding the plane. Baby Boy was all squared away with my mom and I had taken Tuesday off. I was SO excited to see my babe. We had been having good convo the whole time he had been gone and I truly missed him. We spent the day in the city as planned, but were in unusually early, I think we were both exhausted. Tuesday was the day that I think meant the most. Spending a day in a car with someone can go really good or really bad. Ours was really good. We talked the ENTIRE ride. Like about everything, things we needed clarified with each other, things we liked and disliked, the future, our expectations, it was just a great experience. We stopped for dinner an hour away from home and I was surprised I hadn’t drifted off to sleep all day. By the end of the ride I realized I did in fact have a boyfriend that adored me and pretty much would do anything he could to see me happy. But he wasn’t going to let me walk over him, which was good. I could live with that, no one likes a push over.

One of my issues with Deacon had been how nonchalant he is, I was use to insecure Cam and he was the direct opposite. Therefore, to me it came across, as he just didn’t care. I know how guys hit me up on the regular even with all my baggage. Deacon had NO baggage, no kids, no nothing just a bunch of pluses so I know he had a little hotline. Maybe I was the insecure one?

“Jaycee, I can’t keep you from cheating, if you are going to fuck around, its nothing I can do to stop you, just know eventually I’ll find out and you will have to see if it was worth it. Just like with me you are my 80%, I’m not gonna risk that for a 20%. I’m gonna show you this and I hadn’t planned on it, but I need you to know how much I care and am in this with you” he pulled out his phone and proceeded to show me these pictures some girl had sent back to back. Just all different poses, I was getting annoyed. Who the eff was this wench? He last picture had the caption “Are you ignoring me?” Deacon had replied.

Deacon: I was out riding my bike with my lady.

Tramp: Oh okay well hit me when time permits.

Deacon: Yeah I prob won’t. It would be disrespectful to my relationship to do that when I know what it entails.

Tramp: You cant call me anymore? We can still talk, we are friends right?

Deacon: I just love my lady and I know how she feels about me, so at this point I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that or create drama, we are in a good place.

Tramp: You are still full of yourself

Deacon: I’m full of myself because I checked you? Because I don’t want to participate in anything that could hinder what I have going on? Okay

There was more but honestly, I had stopped reading after the “I love my lady” part. I wouldn’t have believed any of this had I not saw it, and no I don’t think Deacon was head over heels in love with me, I think he cared deeply. The point is I appreciated the gesture of it all, this had happened a week or so ago and I would have never known and he didn’t have to prove anything to me but he had. I definitely couldn’t go in my phone and whip out a conversation like that. Only my proof that I ignored Eden regularly, which didn’t count for jack, just showed my weakness that I couldn’t communicate with him.

Long story short, I’m going to try this thing with deacon, I’m serious about him and I want to see where it goes. Let’s just hope this is the best move for me, cause I feel overjoyed about it!

The Haunting

Deacon almost got the boot this weekend! And it had 0 to do with my extreme partying with Kendall and company all weekend, he was actually very cool about that. He stayed up and waited for me every night because I thought afterwards we would have mind-blowing sex. Didn’t happen Friday night nor Saturday, but a lot of other weird ish did.

Saturday was the get together, and it turned out perfect Kendall cried and majority of our friends showed up. Go Jace! Randall was there; I did not flirt with him though, just took a few pics for social media and mingled with everyone. Me and Kendall made a makeshift dance floor in Jamison’s living room and danced out little hearts away. Her boy toy however wasn’t there on time like I had told his tail to be. Nor did he come any time after that. I had told everyone be there by 8 p.m. and he showed up at almost midnight! Then he wouldn’t come in, he had her outside talking so at midnight, as all the guests wanted to say “Happy Birthday!” Kendall was nowhere to be found…… in fact she was on her way to leave! With him! Birthday sex I’m assuming, which is fine by me, I was dying to dip out anyway. I was getting bored and was trying not to get to Deacon’s house too late, the previous night I touched down at almost 3am, not cool! Therefore, I slipped out right after Kendall and sent him a text that I was on the way.

I pulled up and immediately noticed an odd light was on in the front of his house. His bedroom was in the back and so was the den so what the heck was the light about? When he opened up the door, I immediately asked about it, I’m scary as crap and he knows that.

“It’s the TV, I’m sleeping in the guestroom tonight” he said and hopped in the bed.

Did he mean I was supposed to sleep alone? I stood in the hallway looking confused.

“But why?” I walked down the hallway and proceeded to tie my hair up and change into my pj’s. Had I knew what he was about to tell me, my little ass would have been in there with him curled up.

“Ummm because its my house, I can sleep wherever I want, I sleep all over the house randomly” he said it as if that was something I should have known.

I shrugged an hopped in bed and mentally sighed. Shoot! I hadn’t gave him a hug or kiss when I came in, he was big on that, simply because I wasn’t. I wasn’t affectionate at all, and we were supposed to be working on it. Oh well.

“There’s something in that room” Deacon said out of nowhere.

I was hardly paying attention, I was tired as crap, but I finally asked “What?”

“My bedroom, I came up here for a reason, I didn’t want to have you back there and it scare you, I know how you are” he replied.

Oh I was up now! Wide awake, heck did he mean?

“Wait…… something like what? Like a ghost? In here? Like you actually saw it? And we are just gonna lay here like its nothing?” I was panicking.

He went on to tell me about how he sees this spirit and it doesn’t look like anything but a big dark shadow, but once he asked it who it was (because apparently you are suppose to ask that, yea right!). And the spirit said “Bonnie”. So that’s what he called it. Bonnie comes out late at night and peruses his house and sometimes can be heard walking the halls or quietly shutting doors. I didn’t know who the heck Bonnie really was or why but I was now about to piss my pants. But no way was I going to the bathroom.

“Go look down the hall” Deacon sat up.

“No!” I yelled “This isn’t funny if you are trying to scare me its working” by now I’m literally shaking.

“You know I’m not trying to scare you, I wanted you to know, like the other night when you stayed here it was standing over top of you and I was thinking if she sees this shit she’s gonna go off, and when you kept saying your feet was cold, its because she kept taking the covers off of your feet” he was just a talking and I was just a shaking.

“SHUT UP!” I finally yelled.

“Bonnie can hear us talking ya know” he was so calm. At this point I didn’t know if he was lying or telling the truth. I knew he was mad about the way I had greeted him but he never intentionally tried to scare me so maybe he was being serious. That was even a worst thought. Right then I heard something in the hallway and I literally was about to sob. I felt like I was on an episode of “The Haunting”.

“ I got this house from a family that had a daughter with schizophrenia. Apparently she use to be all around the neighborhood doing all sorts of things and had tore the house up. When I bought it there were holes all in the walls and it was just a mess Jaycee. Of course all that got fixed but they say she use to see things and say something was talking to her in the house, I’m guessing it was Bonnie because I see it too, but she doesn’t come out until late and I’ll hear her and see her but she never does any harm, and I fear nothing but God so doesn’t scare me at all!” Deacon explained.

Deacon was bat shit crazy! Who would stay in a house like that?

“I’m never staying over here again, I can’t even sleep now, why the heck would you think I’d want to know that?” I was piping hot and pissed.

There was silence and then after a while Deacon jumped up and left the room. He was out of his freaking mind, I heard the TV in the den come on and I wanted to get up, but I was scared Bonnie was in the hall waiting for me to open the door. Then I said don’t be silly Jaycee, the wench could come in here if she really wanted too. So I jumped up and hauled tail in the den after grabbing my things. I was going home….. or so I thought!

“What kind of man would I be if I let you leave here at 2 in the morning, anything could happen, no way” he told me.

I was grown and I told him so but when I went for the door he was on my heels. He was serious. Ughhh! I wasn’t going back in that room alone. I sat there pouting and thinking Deacon was really screwed up in the head. His 6^th sense was total bullshit and he was just a freaking looney tune.

He grew tired f me constant sighing and pulled me on him and apologized for telling me but said everything he said had been true. We went to bed after that and Sunday morning I went home to prep for church.

After church Deacon asked me out for lunch and we picked a low key spot we had been to before. Everything was back to normal and we were laughing and having good conversation when we saw my effing Pastor! This goes back to no one knowing I’m divorced and then with me being with Deacon it just LOOKED bad. We decided to take it head on and go speak which proved to be the best move since we didn’t want to appear guilty. We really weren’t doing anything wrong but still.

He took me for a ride on his bike after that far out and I had to admit it was nice and calming.

I chilled at this house with him and Bonnie. I couldn’t help but keep trying to catch something strange going on. I hoped Deacon would burst out and say he had made it all up, but no such luck. We chatted about random stuff and eventually we had sex in his room that was nice, slow, and sensual.

When we were done I simply said “One of us has to go……. Me or Bonnie!”