Reality Check

Everyone should go read the last comment on the previous post from Sweet Canadian to me, its lengthy but she made some strong points and she made me realize while I claim to say I’m living and learning, what I’m really doing is living…. learning…. and repeating.

I know this to be true especially with Cam. Cam reels his way back in because we have a child together. As long as he thinks, there is a chance he will go above and beyond if I ask for anything. A few weeks ago he came down and bought a vacuum (since I said baby boy kept spilling things), groceries (I said we needed snacks), some costume jewelry (because I threw it in the cart), and anything else my little hands and mind could think up. We went out to eat and the whole works. Since then though I chilled out from him because I did realize it was feeling more like we were “working things out” and I don’t want that. So yesterday, I looked on Facebook and he had a status that read: Countdown to Miami! New Year’s eve!!! Can’t wait.

He had previously invited me but I said why would I go to Miami with you, when you can’t even do all I need for you to do for our son. So then he said “Well let’s take him to NY to see the Christmas lights and stuff at Macys, and then we can drop him off and shoot to Miami”. He needed to be slapped. You have money to do all this huh? So I tested him yesterday.

Me: Tomorrow I’m going to need an extra $80. I want to pay daycare ahead of time and Baby Boy needs some things.

Now mind you I have not been talking to Cam or visiting him as much as he would like so he’s pissed off.

Cam: I’m putting the same amount in there I always do Jaycee $150. I don’t have to give you extra cash, tell me what he needs and I’ll get it.

Me: Ok, thanks.

I was not going to argue with him. However, the dummy felt guilty because soon after he wrote me again.

Cam: I need to start saving and pay off my other debts, I can’t be giving you all my money.

This negro pays NO bills where he lives and gives me $150 every 2 weeks, which is effing NOTHING when to comes to taking care of a child, he’s getting off scott free. In addition, I can’t even take him for child support because he gets paid under the table so I really wouldn’t get anything. Defeated I just replied “ok”. I have to realize, like Sweet Canadian said, that we divorced for a reason. If him and me are good he’s a great dad and will get him every weekend and do whatever he needs to do as a parent. When he doesn’t think there’s a chance with me its,  “I’m working every day I won’t be able to get him for a while, I’ll put the money for the week in your account”. That’s not being a parent. I work every day too but I can’t pick and choose when it’s convenient to be a mother, I have to work that ish out. But I’m okay with this, I really am, it’s an eye opener. So if I ever get back talking sweetly about Cam: CHECK MY ASS QUICK!”

Deacon slid his way back in, but the feelings have changed, on my end anyway. He probably thinks we are fine but I am no longer head over heels for him. Moreover, while he thinks he’s the greatest guy, I just simply don’t feel that way. He is a lousy boyfriend. He does not talk on the phone that much, his texts are usually complaints, and he doesn’t want me to do ish! He came over the other night and did some things around my house that needed to be done, which I was grateful for. We had been on bad terms still the weeks prior, so Monday I met him for lunch and we chatted, and he came over that night, and we banged. I think that’s why I’m keeping him around, his sex is really good, but we don’t even do it often. He called it “make-up sex”. Whatever!

We probably are so much better off as just friends, but I don’t know how to approach that just yet. As you can tell I suck at distancing myself from people or cutting them off, but I KNOW for a fact he is going to get irate about SOMETHING soon so I’m just kind of waiting for it and then I plan on saying “Ok! This isn’t working!” lol wimp move I know.

On a brighter note away from men, my job has an immediate opening I have put in for, I feel like now is the time I should focus on my career. I was going to go for my Master’s but if I get this promotion that’s out the window lol. Not to mention I will save a heap of money that I was going to have to spend on tuition.

 My social life with my friends is doing well. I have been trying to see everyone more when I can but lately I have been panicking about my weight. I have always been 129 and under. Usually around 124-128 lbs. Well the other day I’m at work and my darn jeans kept biting into my flesh. I got home and got on my scale and that biotch read 134! I literally screamed. I am use to eating whatever I want and not working out and just maintaining my physique. Even after the kid, that weight fell right off without me trying in a matter of weeks. I was truly blessed. But now ish has hit the fan. So I grabbed Baby Boy and went to Wal-Mart and got me some Special K and some almonds and dug out my “21 Day Fix workout“ tape. I vowed to leave the fast food alone and stick to a little diet for 21 days. I’m only on Day 4 and the crap hasn’t seemed to work AT ALL.

For one I got on the scale last night and it said 137.5. So I actually GIANED 3.5 pounds. That was total BS. I know they say that may happen because you gain muscle and all that but eff that! I don’t want muscle I want this bulge in my belly GONE! December 23^rd is the deadline so I will keep y’all posted. My Annual Christmas party at my house is that day so I plan on looking my best so this got darn wench “Autumn” on my workout DVD better be legit!