Fall Cleaning!

Deacon’s done. I think so anyway. We got into a big spat about me going to my Dads house. Cam lives with my Dad. I had to pick up Baby Boy and it’s an hour away and I didn’t want to leave and have to come right back so I went the day before. He said it was disrespectful, agreeable. But he also didn’t offer any alternatives like riding with me so I wouldn’t have to drive alone or anything like that.

Either way I haven’t seen him in a week. Since last Saturday morning, so it will be a week tomorrow. Am I upset? Nope. Nonchalant pretty much. Monday I was in my feelings over it, even by Wednesday I was hoping he would come over. Here it is Friday and I have actually gotten comfortable NOT seeing him and all his antics.

We are supposed to go to his cousins wedding tomorrow, SO not going to happen. I cancelled my hair appointment. Mad or not mad if you wanted me to go you should have made peace by now. He has been acting like the biggest child all week and saying THEE worst things. For instance (and I do not want any talk back on this) I missed my period. Some may say this is what I get for lying to Eden but whatever. It could be that Plan B pill I took, or I could very well be pregnant. I told Deacon and he said he would buy a test. So on Wednesday night I asked him did he get it?

Deacon: Nope, I’m not buying you nothing. If you are pregnant, you will just have another deadbeat daddy on ya hands.

I hung up on him. How rude was that? And Cam isn’t a deadbeat………. Lately. But I talk too darn much and I am too trusting because he used that against me the first chance he got. And that’s what I texted and told him.

Deacon: I apologize sweetheart. You are right that was awful to say I was just upset.

Me: Yep.

And that’s when the ball got in my court, and I have been short and sweet ever since and basically over Deacon. I just simply don’t know if this is the real him or another side of him but either way I am not feeling it and can do without it, which I also told him.

So tonight I made plans to bar hop with my friends in Halloween get ups. Last night I took Baby Boy and his cousins Trick or Treating at a nursing home. So cute and they had a ball. Tonight we will be at church and then my mom is taking him out thru her neighborhood, which is fine by me. I would have just been sitting home bored, so when my friend asked me to peruse my city with her I said “heck yeah!”

I also scheduled myself to work on Saturday and family pictures afterwards, so screw Deacon’s wedding and whatever game he is trying to play, especially since I think he disinvited me anyway. Because if we were going I would totally need time to get my hair done and color coordinate our outfits so obviously he didn’t care. Noted! He had told me last week we were probably just going to do the ceremony and not the reception. What the eff kind of fun was that, the receptions are the best part. Turns out he had forgotten to RSVP, that’s wack because I was definitely hyped up about going. I’ve been trying to get to a good wedding all year!

I have a date planned with the BFF Tay Saturday evening, so I’m pretty sure the next time I’ll see Deacon is at church. I plan on being in and out and looking SHARP while doing so. Oh the games we play. Sure I’m over us, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make him miss me, especially since he made that rude tail comment. Jerk!

Cam tried to ambush me into a relationship. He actually came down and saw my townhouse and cooked us dinner and spent some time with Baby Boy. I had to check him and slow him down. “We” were not happening. Not anytime soon, clearly I need to be in NOONE’S relationship. I also pat myself because I kept my vow of celibancy.  Now if I can get out of this pregnancy scare I will be good to go.

*Please Lord don’t let me be knocked up, I didn’t know Deacon was such a jerk*

On the flip side Kendall is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember they told her she couldn’t have kids??? Well look at God! She’s super early and not due until July, so technically she shouldn’t be telling everyone, but we are all so excited for her, such a blessing! However, I do hope I will not be joining her for babies in 2015.

My manager is helping me spice up my gov’t resume. I don’t talk about my job much because… well….. I hate it! I always put in for jobs and always make all the cuts, up until the actual selection process then I lose. We have to compete with veterans and they win every time. So she was suggesting we look over what I was sending in and apparently mines was doing me no justice. I hope that giving it a makeover will do me some good.

I also realized maybe instead of looking for a guy to keep me from boredom maybe I should use something else, something with more longevity, so I applied for my Master’s degree! I go to do the walk thru of campus on Monday. I’m kind of scared, kind of happy, but I would have it in 1.5 years and that would take up my free time tremendously I’m sure and after that year and a half this “hobby” won’t leave me, it will be with me forever and ever. Not a bad idea right?

I haven’t talked to Eden, and I don’t plan on it, I didn’t let him think I had an abortion, but he also didn’t ask for the money back, just said he was glad I didn’t have to go thru with it. We never really established what really happened we just let it be known that an abortion DIDN’T happen and I wasn’t having a baby. I don’t think we will be chatting again, there was no yelling or angriness but we are better off just exiting each other’s lives basically.

I’m doing fall clean up’s hopefully y’all are seeing my progress! I’m trying to iron these wrinkles out I have created!

Nope!

I decided to do some answers in a posting, just in case people do not read the comments.

No, I never told Eden the truth, and no I don’t plan on it. It is done, I did it, can’t say I regret it though. I’m up and down about it, all those times he was a jerk, karma has come back around, but that’s also means it’s going to pay me a visit as well.

Like my period being late, should have been here yesterday and I’m not panicking…….. yes I am!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like this is a test. If I do not tell him, I’m going to be pregnant and if I do I won’t be. I sound silly I know but this is how my mind operates.

I think you all forget too I am human. Of course it’s great to always do what’s right, but we usually don’t. I am not perfect, I get myself into the dumbest things and I have no excuse for that. I can only promise you that I am being honest with you and I don’t mind the comments, I actually like to hear the positive and negative. Cause that is real!

I did get my key back from Deacon, he didn’t want to give it back! But I told him this was too much too soon and we needed to backtrack. He wasn’t feeling that, I also told him he can’t be there every night. I need time like someone said to get my affairs in order. Literally my AFFAIRS! Last night Deacon and me went to Bible study and then a place I wanted to try for dinner, and while it was nice, there is something missing. It’s so new that I don’t know if I have always felt this way or if Cam is clouding my judgment.

My friends aren’t 50/50 but they have all expressed whatever I decide they will back me either way. I hate that, don’t tell me what I want to here, that’s why I like this blog, tell me when I’m being dumb!

*Sigh* it is hard to be honest on here, because at first I wasn’t going to mention the Eden thing because I KNEW the backlash that would occur, so just know its not easy baring your soul.

I’m not going to say what everyone wants to hear just for the sake of being likeable. I like Cam, and I like Deacon, that’s the truth. Cam is doing major changes, and I think that’s why it’s important to be single after break ups and not rush into anything. I explained to Deacon that I think we are moving excessively fast. I probably should have kept at it and told him how I felt but I just can’t hurt people’s feelings. I feel awful. I do know, eventually someone will get hurt, so I have to do something and quick.

Other than this guy drama, I’m prepping for a girls night tomorrow with Kendall and some friends from high school. Baby Boy is going with Cam for the weekend so I get a little break. He’s doing awesome and even learning sign language. I have a baby genius on my hands.

So sorry if this isn’t what anyone wanted to hear, but I have yet to do anything positive in these situations….. sue me!

Threesomes are hard work!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :(

I just seriously complicated my life.

It all started last weekend, I ended up going to take Baby Boy to see Cam. Visit actually turned out good. My Dad thought I came to see him so I ended up spending the day with him, Cam, and my 4 siblings my Dad has. Deacon was texting me periodically, and sometimes I wrote right back other times, I didn’t. I was having family time!

I’m going to just get right to it, I ended up sleeping with Cam, not once either, like 20 times that night. All night long, different positions and everything, I even found myself comparing the 2 (each is different in all areas though). I do not know what got into me, we were just having such a good time and getting along and just being us. Deacon had been irking me because I just felt like he was so judgmental and clearly, I am making excuses, I was just being a scandalous girlfriend.

Any who I got back home and met up with Deacon and now I’m in a love triangle. My Dad isn’t helping, he feels like Cam has really changed and means well and knows what he lost. Which is fine but he still lost his chance. Not going to diss Deacon when technically he’s done nothing wrong. Cam apparently was talking to this Lieutenant and shes as dumb as a doorknob. She wants kids and is aware he has three with just as many women. Well apparently after me and Baby Boy left, my Dad heard Cam call her up and tell her “We can’t talk anymore, I’m going to try to win my ex-wife back”. I asked him why the heck would he do that because he’s aware I talk to someone as well, who I’m pretty serious about.

“I just don’t want anything hindering me if I have the slightest chance with you, so she had to go” he had replied.

Ughhhh. This post is going to be short; I am in a bad place. Now I’m confused and juggling the two. What have I freaking done? I hate threesomes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I suck with options FYI

Why does life throw curveballs? And why the heck would life think I’m the one that wants to play catch with those curve balls?

Yesterday I entertained Cam. Not intentionally. He hit me up and asked me could I come to some “Peace Offering Celebration”

Me: What the eff is that Cam?

Cam: Event is this Saturday, can you make it or not?

Me: What event?

Cam: Yes or no, that’s all I want to know

Me: I don’t know Homecoming is this weekend, I was trying to go to that but its not looking too bright honestly, money problems.

I always talked about lack of money to Cam, I just wanted to rub in that my life wasn’t as peachy cream as he thought it to be.

Cam: Well if you drive up I’ll get you a room, I’ll take Baby Boy with me for the night. I want to talk to you face to face though and see him, and maybe take y’all out.

Of course you do. This opened up a can of worms, he spent the rest of the day talking about how he has changed and realized the little things he got mad at me for weren’t even really worth the argument, and if I give him a chance to prove that I won’t regret it. But I regret every time I’ve given him a chance to prove something, cause Cam doesn’t change, he camouflages. Then he turns right back into his true colors. I still can’t front though I missed him, we were good together we were GOOD. But the bad outweighed the good so he had to go. But there were things I could do with Cam I can’t do with Deacon. Call me immature, cause I know its coming. Cam is well rounded. We could go to church and to a bar. Not to get sloppy drunk, but just to enjoy the music and sip something. Deacon isn’t going to a bar, he drinks, way more than me in fact and will even order it when we are out. But, all we do is dinner and movies, the occasional bike ride, and nothing else outside of that. I know me….. it’s going get old real quick. I am not a routine person. That’s why this little get away with Cam sounded right up my alley, it was out the blue and all I had to do was show up. I didn’t tell him I was considering it tho, I just let him tell me sweet nothings all evening and then let an attitude build up towards Deacon.

Deacon had texted me and said he would be over around 7 since I had told him I wasn’t going to Bible Study. This was great because usually he never made it over until after 9 when I was already settled in bed (he stayed over every night, yep every single one).

So I met Kendall and chatted for a bit to kill time and before heading home. I was telling her about Cam’s texts.

“You are playing with fire Jaycee, you are going to go up there and get all in your feelings and cheat!” Kendall warned me.

I shook my head at her “I won’t, shoot I hope I wouldn’t, I’m SO not a cheater, but you are right, it’s very possible.” And me and Cam made such a cute baby, ugh why was he so fine? I left Kendall and drove home with all my wild thoughts.

Deacon was texting me but my other friend stopped by and time got away from me as we caught up. Reagan and me got to gossiping basically. Reagan is my friend from high school, who had a baby late last year, she’s really self-conscious because she has gained all this weight, but she’s cute a s a button. Her boyfriend is trash though basically. Meanwhile Deacon was blowing my phone up and I just never responded. He didn’t want anything, he had just texted me and I told him 7 was cool. He was the type that wanted long responses, for what? I’ll see you when you get here. Reagan left around six, and Deacon had texted me again.

Deacon: Why did it take you an hour to respond?

I explained to him my friend had come over and we were talking. Looking back on it I could have just said “Reagan” so he would know it was a female but I didn’t, I left the door open for him to assume. He told me he was now going to Bible Study and would be over after. Not going to lie I got pissed. Why the eff did you tell me 7 then? In addition, that would be how Cam got so much of my attention that evening. I was bored and pissed and entertained him for longer than I should have, and it was all Deacons fault. Okay it wasn’t but I hated that he waited until the last minute to cancel on me. He’s lucky it was for church or I really would’ve spazzed. Deep down I just hated that he always came over after the day was gone. I kind of feel like it’s to avoid Baby Boy which is fine, but just state that, I would completely understand. But that can’t be it because in the mornings he will ask can he wake him up and things like that. So I do not know.

Long story short, he came over, we argued about the whole situation, and went to bed mad, he could have stayed home for all that. This morning was tense and we have been texting but my end is definitely forced. I want to lash out again, but for what? It’s no point really.

Deacon is starting to bore me………………….. okay bore isn’t the right word. Irritate me, I don’t like bickering, I did that with Cam, and I’m seeing a pattern with him. He really blew me last night. I have to figure all this out.

P.S No I didn’t tell Eden the truth yet……. And no I don’t know if I will. That’s a hard pill to cough back up guys!

I'm pregnant!

It would be too much like right for me to just enjoy a no-drama lifestyle huh?

Apparently so. Let’s start with Friday. Cam came and got Baby Boy earlier that day so I was going to have the weekend to myself. Yayyyyy finally! He really needed to spend time with his kid.

Any who I spent my Friday night at a church sing out Deacon was performing. Afterwards, we headed out to eat before our usual freak fest. Like seriously we have sex every single day. Which would be fine but I’m so not a sexual person so I’m surprised at myself. But whatever.

Saturday he had another event and I was having dinner with friends. We spent a few hours together in between time and he was at my townhouse while I went to dinner so I bought him food back and of course, our night caps.

This leads me to Sunday where I created the drama. Church had been fine, no one knew we were dating but I had sat with him at dinner after service and it looked innocent enough. I was a social butterfly afterall. I had Baby Boy back but we were planning to go see Addicted at the movies (Horrible movie, book was so much better) (Another side note, we saw Equalizer too, that way wayyyyy better). So, Baby Boy was with my mom. Right before the movie, I got into a hug argument with Cam on the amount of child support he paid me. It’s so mediocre and he has no bills, so call me money hungry but he could do more! Deacon is right there, mouthing to me not to argue about it. I’m igging him because he has no freaking kids so he doesn’t know what the heck he’s talking about anyway. I hung up the phone pissed off and over the whole matter, and we had missed the got darn movie and the next one was 2.5 hours later. It was Sunday, I was tight that this had gotten me so worked up.

“Stop arguing about this with him, go down to Child Support and get his tail on something-“ Deacon was beginning to preach.

“Yeah ummm I don’t really want to talk about it anymore and no one asked you!” I threw my hand up at him.

“Well I do, don’t take it out on me because you are frustrated” he kept at it.

“AGAIN! I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It.” I reiterated, “So drop it dang!”

“You know what I’m going home, I didn’t do anything but care about the situation and try to calm you and you are getting upset and blunt like I’m the one upsetting you.” Deacon stood up.

I simply said “Goodnight then” and waved. Go home then shoot. My head was hurting now. I let him leave and walk to his car and honestly, I didn’t think he was going anywhere. When I got up to check his car was gone. Well dang! I tried to call him back but we just fussed. Deacon had kept telling me he had a problem with the way I spoke to him. However, I never really felt it was out of line. We hung up getting nothing accomplished an I was about to cry thinking the worst when a light bulb went off in my head:

Call Eden!

So I did. No answer. Good.

My phone rang and it was Deacon apologizing that he shouldn’t have walked out but he just cares about me so much that it upsets him when I let Cam get me to that point. He went on staying he will try to stay out of it.

“Well I’m still mad you left like that, you know I’m dramatic I was crying” I lied. I didn’t cry but I felt like it, feel guilty Deacon!

“That’s why I’m headed to get you now we are gonna go get that cake thing you like and then catch that next movie” he smiled, I could tell he thought he had me.

“No that’s okay I’m just gonna stay in, I’ll see you tomorrow” I shut him down, lying again. My mouth was already drooling thinking about the ice cream and cake combo I could be tasting in a few moments.

“Too bad sweetheart, already in route, get ya stuff together” he hung up.

I smiled and got ready and we did just that. The movie sucked but it made us horny as crap. We barely made it in the door before we were tearing clothes off. I swear I was put in 50 different positions that night/morning, but that was the highlight of the movie: the one we made on our own. Lol

Too bad during the night Eden texted me back.

Eden: Either you called to tell me to stop calling you or you are preggo.

Preggo? That never crossed my mind. The genius in me decided to run with that. Don’t judge me. When he called again I answered and told him yes, I was in fact pregnant and it was his. THIS is how we know Eden is full of crap. IF he felt about me how he CLAIMS, this would be a ball of fun for him. He gets me in his life for the next 18 years. But no, Eden goes into script about how it isn’t a good time, he’s in his situation, and blah blah blah. He does not have to convince me little does he know.

“When can you help pay to get rid of our problem then?” I said bluntly.

“Are we going 50/50?” he asked.

“Are we both laying on that table 50/50? No, so no there will be no 50/50 of anything, you pay for it and then I never want to hear from you again” I told him.

“I’ll put the money in your account, I’m really sorry about this Jaycee you don’t understand how much this is hurting me right now” he went on.

He’s right I don’t. I asked Kendall and Tay was this effed up. 2 totally different responses.

Kendall: Normally I would say yes, but FUCK HIM! He goes thru all these lengths calling and harassing you, and calling your friends, and now this happens and he’s so distraught but he isn’t saying keep it, so take that niggas money! I can’t stand his ass anyway.

Tay: Tell the truth Jace, this had Karma written all over it, just say you are joking an let it go. You have moved on; don’t play these games with him.

I was in too deep though, and have I really moved on?

I went into work this morning an Eden had texted me.

Eden: I haven’t slept all night, have you considered keeping it?

All I need in this life of sin..... is me and my boyfriend

Hey y’all!

I’m fresh back to work from a trip with the boyfriend. Yup, boyfriend lol

Let’s start from where I left you all since it’s been a while, I didn’t think anyone was keeping up, my life’s been a little “regular” compared to how it was so I had fell back from the blog.

Eden has been on a mission to get me to respond, and I can honestly say I have no desire to whatsoever. He even went as far as to call my friend Tish, he thinks she’s his plug. So, this week I finally came up with a plan. If I respond to Eden and tell him to “f#@k off” he will only go harder. It’s like some of turn on for him. But, if I got Tish to hit him up and make him think she was telling him a secret, he would be too prideful to contact me. So that’s the option I went with. I got Tish to text him and simply say “Jace has a boyfriend and they are getting pretty serious, but that’s between me and you.”

Eden: Oh aight, figured something was up. But she can at least say what’s up, but whatever.

Tish: True, guess she’s still upset about your whole situation. They are on vacation too now so maybe that’s why.

Eden: Fuck it….. I miss her and Baby Bo, long as she good its all good, wish her nothing but the best. I’ll fall back. Much success to her and good luck!

Now THAT was a bit much, but I haven’t heard from him so maybe that was the nail in the coffin, this just happened yesterday though so I won’t do somersaults. It’s not that I don’t miss Eden terribly, I DO! I love him, but it’s so unhealthy and unrealistic to think that something will ever come of us. I love the life I use to have with Eden and that’s just not us anymore, so I have to wear my big girl pants and let it go.

Enough of that. Deacon was going on a freaking 7 day trip to visit his family. I wasn’t pissed, but I was so used to being around him I didn’t know what to do or what I’d do for 7 darn days without him. He was leaving that Wednesday and the weekend before was Kendall’s birthday so that’s why every night after I had went to him. Monday came and he came over too and we boo loved, and I assumed Tuesday would be the same way, since he was departing the next morning. He had opted to drive and it would take a full day. Who does that? Anywho he texted me Tuesday night and it went something like this:

Deacon: Finally home just finished packing. How are you feeling?

Me: I feel fine, we went to the park earlier, stayed out later with Baby Boy then I planned to. Are you excited? I always get excited before a trip!

Deacon: I am so sleepy I’m actually afraid. Lol

Me: You didn’t even come tell me bye L

Deacon: come on you know my time has been tight today

Me: Yeah, no you are fine, I know today was busy for ya. Have a safe trip I’ll try to entertain you during the ride and I’ll miss you lots!

Deacon: I’m sad because I don’t get to see you before I leave.

Me: Come over

Deacon: Way too tired. I’m laying in bed.

Now I was pissed. Like why even bring it up, I ignored all texts with him for the rest of the night, if you are so tired carry your tail to sleep, you don’t need to be up texting me, right?

The next day was strained with us. He knew I was upset and I did too. But when I asked my friends they all agreed I was being the petty one.

“He has a full day of driving Jaycee, that’s understandable if he was tired” one of my cousins had said.

“Shut up, he lives 5 minutes away from me, the time it took him to keep texting me he could’ve been there, he’s leaving for a effing week, I’m not wrong for being mad” I argued.

After the third person disagreed with me I apologized to Deacon, he was still a little nippy that it took that much but eventually we got over it. I was joking later that evening as we talked.

“I should fly out next week and spend the day in the city and ride back with you, I’m due for a getaway,” I laughed. I really was off that Monday and he was coming back Tuesday, but it was already Wednesday a flight would be sky high.

“That’s not a bad idea, look up the flights, I’ll go half with you and I’ll get the hotel, we can spend the day like you said and leave out the next day.

Long story short that Monday I was boarding the plane. Baby Boy was all squared away with my mom and I had taken Tuesday off. I was SO excited to see my babe. We had been having good convo the whole time he had been gone and I truly missed him. We spent the day in the city as planned, but were in unusually early, I think we were both exhausted. Tuesday was the day that I think meant the most. Spending a day in a car with someone can go really good or really bad. Ours was really good. We talked the ENTIRE ride. Like about everything, things we needed clarified with each other, things we liked and disliked, the future, our expectations, it was just a great experience. We stopped for dinner an hour away from home and I was surprised I hadn’t drifted off to sleep all day. By the end of the ride I realized I did in fact have a boyfriend that adored me and pretty much would do anything he could to see me happy. But he wasn’t going to let me walk over him, which was good. I could live with that, no one likes a push over.

One of my issues with Deacon had been how nonchalant he is, I was use to insecure Cam and he was the direct opposite. Therefore, to me it came across, as he just didn’t care. I know how guys hit me up on the regular even with all my baggage. Deacon had NO baggage, no kids, no nothing just a bunch of pluses so I know he had a little hotline. Maybe I was the insecure one?

“Jaycee, I can’t keep you from cheating, if you are going to fuck around, its nothing I can do to stop you, just know eventually I’ll find out and you will have to see if it was worth it. Just like with me you are my 80%, I’m not gonna risk that for a 20%. I’m gonna show you this and I hadn’t planned on it, but I need you to know how much I care and am in this with you” he pulled out his phone and proceeded to show me these pictures some girl had sent back to back. Just all different poses, I was getting annoyed. Who the eff was this wench? He last picture had the caption “Are you ignoring me?” Deacon had replied.

Deacon: I was out riding my bike with my lady.

Tramp: Oh okay well hit me when time permits.

Deacon: Yeah I prob won’t. It would be disrespectful to my relationship to do that when I know what it entails.

Tramp: You cant call me anymore? We can still talk, we are friends right?

Deacon: I just love my lady and I know how she feels about me, so at this point I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that or create drama, we are in a good place.

Tramp: You are still full of yourself

Deacon: I’m full of myself because I checked you? Because I don’t want to participate in anything that could hinder what I have going on? Okay

There was more but honestly, I had stopped reading after the “I love my lady” part. I wouldn’t have believed any of this had I not saw it, and no I don’t think Deacon was head over heels in love with me, I think he cared deeply. The point is I appreciated the gesture of it all, this had happened a week or so ago and I would have never known and he didn’t have to prove anything to me but he had. I definitely couldn’t go in my phone and whip out a conversation like that. Only my proof that I ignored Eden regularly, which didn’t count for jack, just showed my weakness that I couldn’t communicate with him.

Long story short, I’m going to try this thing with deacon, I’m serious about him and I want to see where it goes. Let’s just hope this is the best move for me, cause I feel overjoyed about it!