Status Checks

Deacon’s car was not there. Bittersweet. I was in that 50/50 place where I wanted to see him, but just to make sure he was okay then I could be angry again. Didn’t take long either. I stayed in bed all day after church. I started my “30 day diet” and I do not know if that had me in a rut or the lack of sleep. However, sleep was the cure so I stuck with that all day.

My phone woke me up and it was Derek. That made me smile.

“You stood me up!” I yawned into the phone.

“No you fell asleep, I called you and texted you, I couldn’t come with no address babe” he told me, which was true. We yapped about sweet nothings for about an hour before I told him I was going back to bed. Cam told me he was not bringing Baby Boy back until the morning and would just take him straight to school. I had taken off the next day so that was perfect I could sleep in. I slept clean till Monday afternoon. I decided I should probably wash and attempt to brush my teeth, if I had any kind of decency left in me.

I fixed my Vanilla protein shake after that and groaned as I gulped it down. It wasn’t all that good, kind of gritty but not terrible. I make some meal preps for work for the week and cut on “On Demand” to watch a movie. I decided on “21 Jump Street” which starred Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill. It made me laugh a few times and by the time it finished it was time for me to get Baby Boy. My mom hadn’t seen him in a week so she had asked to keep him when he got back in town, I packed him a overnight bag, picked him up, and headed to her house. I hung out there for a few catching up, and that’s when she bought up Deacon.

“Deacon texted me and asked how I was” she said not knowing of our current state.

I was semi pissed, glad he had texted her because now I knew he was capable of communicating, but now officially pissed that he was blatantly ignoring me.

“That’s cool we aren’t speaking” I told her and changed the subject.

After making sure Baby Boy was squared away I then raced home so I could catch “Love and Hip Hop ATL” premiere. Yes, I am a sucker for reality TV. I couldn’t even focus on it though because I had so many thought rambling in my head.

Deacon had some nerve, he did that on purpose, check on your own mom not mines. I took my mind off it when a text came thru from my HR connect at a job I had applied for. This was far more important anyway.

HR: They sent a recommendation to your manager check on that ASAP.

WTF! She probably wouldn’t recommend me, I didn’t know they were even involved. That ended and ruined the night for me, and Tuesday morning after that awful protein shake I hurried in and sent an email to my manager asking if she had gotten a recommendation request for me.

After making me wait half the day, she told me she had received it and returned it last week. That wasn’t telling me jack diddly squat. I was irritated by now. I sent her another email asking if she recommended me or not (after I found out I had the right to know, at first I was scared she might say “None of your business”). No response again. Finally near the end of the day I opened up an instant message from her.

Manager: Jaycee, I received your request, we should talk in person about the recommendation request and my response.

OMG! That couldn’t be good…………………… could it? L

Stalker-ish?

I skipped out of work on Friday. My friends and I were having a sleepover for all of our kids. It sounded fun at first but when I got to the house we had rented, and took in all the kids and their friends, I knew it would be a long night. The house had an indoor pool and that was first up. I designated to handle that. Bad idea (I can’t swim) so that tells you the genius’s I was with! Just kidding. We had a lifeguard on deck as well. We did the pool thing for about an hour, then snacks and games, and then the gym. I tapped out somewhere in between then, I posted some pics on social media and noticed it was 3 a.m. and they ALL were wide-awake. Even my kid. I woke back up and it was 5 a.m., Cam had showed up to pick up Baby Boy because I had to be at work by 7 a.m. for OT. I got him together then helped the rest of the kids get their things together and was on my way.

The only way to describe my weekend from there is PURE DEATH!! I only did 2 hours at work, then went home to shower (fell asleep standing up) and meet Kendall at Picture People for her bi-weekly maternity pics. Yes, she takes them every time they have a deal -_-. We went to have lunch at Fridays after.

“What are you wearing to the party?” she asked.

I yawned “What party?”

“Jaycee, seriously, the surprise party tonight for Michelle’s 30^th” she rolled her eyes at me.

I frowned my face up and groaned, I was so tired “Actually I forgot all about it, I had all intentions of going home and calling it a night, but I HAVE to go, she always supports my events”.

Michelle was my middle/high school friend. We were not as close as we were when we were younger, but we showed up to each other things still. We wrapped up our meal and I promised Kendall I would meet her at her house to ride to the party together. It was already after four and we had to be there BY 6 p.m. I raced home and the outfit I picked out in my head looked God awful. I was currently weighing in at 134 and I Hated it. I was a 120 lbs. kind of girl. While I was shapelier and got compliments on my new weight, it also came with the stomach pudge and love handles. I tried on 3 more dressed and none covered up my “new body”.

“Eff this” I threw the dresses in a pile. Tomorrow I was going to start my 30 day Arbonne shake deal. It was a protein shake for breakfast, a balanced lunch, and then a veggie and fruit shake for dinner. I looked at my shape in my body length mirror and decided this time (the millionth) I WAS going to stick with it and hopefully drop 14 lbs.

I found some boot cut jeans and a flowy top. I dressed it up with heels, accessories, and one of my designer bags, and pulled my hair into a topknot bun. My flowy top showed side boobs, it was super cute, and it hid my belly (double win). I glanced at it again to make sure it was not too revealing and decided I was ok. I looked at the clock: 5:41 p.m. Whelp, no time to meet Kendall at her place. I told her I would meet her at the party instead and raced out the door. I beat her there and watched people parade in, I was glad I opted for a more casual look then my dresses. I would have been TOO dressed up.

We made it in by 6 and I was bored. The Birthday girl did not come until an hour and a half later and I did have a little fun dancing and posting group flicks and seeing some old friends. By 9p.m I was telling my goodbyes. Tish was there too and a few of my other close friends. I pulled Tish to the side.

“We need to do a drive by” I whispered.

“On whom?” she looked genuinely confused.

“Deacon, I haven’t spoken to him since Tuesday, I gave this big text speech on how his plate was full and there was no room for me, and he just never responded” I filled her in.

Taye sighed but nodded ok. We agreed she would meet me at my house when she left the party and 30 minutes later, I hear her outside blowing her horn. Rude wench it was 10 p.m. people were sleeping I’m sure!

“I’m sick of this negro!” Taye started “Why the fuck is he not answering the phone and shit? He is too old for this bullshit, and I don’t know why you even bother with his ass anymore.”

It was best for me to stay silent. I gave her directions as she ranted and finally we were at his house. I couldn’t tell if he was home and in bed or gone. He had a garage so his car could’ve been in there.

“Now what?” Taye asked.

“We can go” I said glumly, this had down nothing for my curiosity.

“The fuck we can, I’m going to knock on the door!” she threw the car in park.

I literally screamed guys “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Tish you CANT! OMG no, you know how crazy that will look?”

She laughed “Jaycee calm down, its not crazy, we will knock he’s going to answer, then you can ask why the hell he’s ignoring you after you see he’s ok, cause we both know he’s ok”

I knew nothing was wrong with his behind. Just like, he knew how I felt about being ignored. We finally drove off and I asked her to take me to Wal-Mart, so I could get the things I needed for my 30 day thingy. We were super cute in there at 11 p.m. with my cart and we both were on an “Eff guys” high. We checked out and sat in the car in front of my house for another hour just talking and venting.

“What ever happened to Derek?” Taye asked.

“Let’s call him, he’s still around!” I perked up. Derek was always a mood lifter.

I was so disoriented from my lack of sleep at this point that I was being super silly and Derek immediately thought I was drunk.

“Drive down here” I pleaded.

“That’s a 4 hour drive babe” he told me.

“So?” I slurred back.

“OK, let me go grab some things and I’ll hop on the road” I didn’t believe him but I accepted his answer, told Tish goodnight, and took my things inside. In less than 10 minutes I was snoring.

I woke up to my alarm the next morning; I wanted to go to early service at church to avoid seeing Deacon (the tables had turned that quick). *I went from semi stalking him to wanted to avoid him if possible.

 I checked my phone, Derek had called and texted last night. He was actually going to come! That was sweet, but honestly I needed that sleep. I decided I’d call him back after church and I hopped in the shower and raced to church. I pulled up in record time and…………………… my heart sank.

Feedback?! (New Post Below)

Is it better or boring with my diving more into my actual life and the day to day? Just trying to switch it up instead of focusing on all my random males I come across.

Either way let me know, wouldnt want to be wasting my time or yours if this isn't coming across the way I'm wanting it too!

P.S I accept good and bad criticism, I'm not pro by far I am learning as I go about this blogging business. Just working on my approach and cocnsistency right now.

xoxo Jaycee

Circus Clowns

“I just wanted to touch basis with you on the status of your interviews you had” my supervisor started.

It was none of her business; thank God, she had nothing to do with the hiring process of other locations. I cleared my throat and gave that shadiest answer I could “It’s ok”.

She wasn’t going to make this easy and kept tackling a way to get more info “Yes, you had quite a few interviews this past week, surely that’s a good sign?”

“I guess so” I shifted in my seat and looked her in her eyes letting her know this conversation was over before it even began.

“Ok well good luck, keep me posted, make sure you grab the mail and get that done this morning please and also I need some cases from you, they were someone else’s but they haven’t gotten to it so I’m hoping you can help them out” she smiled dismissing me.

Wench! “Sure can!” I smiled back. I was always ahead of my own workload so I really didn’t mind. What bothered me was her doing it to intentionally try to make me mind and get under my skin. I went back to my desk and knocked out the mail and extra work she had assigned me. Of course it wasn’t anything simple but it made my day fly by so whatever!

I checked Facebook when I got a break and noticed one of my friends mention going to the circus. It was a weekday and I wasn’t sure Baby Boy would stay up but I inquired nonetheless and we made plans to meet up and go together. Best decision ever! We went to a preshow where he got to see the animals up close and personal and he danced the whole show. He was so excited it warmed my heart. I had not been to the circus since I was a kid myself. Nevertheless, we all had a great time.

We got home super late and I got us ready for bed, but I still didn’t close my eyes til almost midnight. I uploaded some pics of us and sent some to Cam and my mom and dad before calling it a night.

No boy drama guys lol I told you it’s much more extreme reading it then it really is realistically.

The person I lost my virginity too, which happens to be my high school sweetheart has been in my inbox for a few weeks. I told you all my ex’s are having babies and he’s the first to pop one out. He’s been with a girl for a while and they recently broke up, I guess a few months ago. I don’t know, didn’t really ask details because quite frankly didn’t really care. We are still good friends though and every now and then he will call or text me to complain or ask for advice (as if I’m the best person to be giving out relationship advice!). Any who, I always gave unbiased advice (I didn’t want him)but they still ended up breaking up, too bad she was already knocked up.

Recently he began hinting he may want to try something put with me. I downplay it each and every time. I’m honestly not attracted to him anymore, and he doesn’t look the same. He was the star basketball player in high school and was around 6’6, super cute back then.  I didn’t do anything spectacular in high school, just a few randoms, but I was popular for some reason and that made us the ideal and “what’s in” couple. That lasted till I got to college. Eden was on my heels heavy but I was “in love”. I lost my virginity my first year of college, but we didn’t last too long after that and a year later I was with Eden.

I said all that to say that High School Boyfriend texted me last night while I was at the circus. I hadn’t heard from him in a while and thought he had gotten the point.

HSB: hey Jaycee, sorry I haven’t been in contact, I have been sick

Sooooooooooooooooooooooo?????? Was what I wanted to say, but I played nice.

Me: Awww sorry to hear that

HSB: I was like I’m slacking I haven’t talked to my future wife.

And it begins. I realize I’m too nice, but I definitely don’t lead people on, they just run with stuff.

Me: Well I’m at the circus, and it’s ok, I hadn’t noticed honestly.

I cut it short after that. Can’t entertain foolishness. If I actually liked him I wouldn’t mind, but like I said I wasn’t into him AND he had a newborn! A newborn he was dying for me to meet. When he had first told me that, I forgot about being nice and said “For what, I don’t need to meet him” not the nicest thing to say to someone who just had their 1^st child.

I tried to clean it up and say, “You know his mom probably wouldn’t like that, that’s all, I wouldn’t want to cause issues with you two”. He accepted that but he knew I meant it a little. But I DIDN’T want to meet the baby!

Luckily, he asked a few more questions about the circus and let me be for the night, but of course, he would be back! I loved our friendship and I told him that, but a relationship? You guys know I’m not ready or cut out for that at all these days.

I snapped back into my work. Hopefully the rest of my day would be okay or at least something interesting happen, like a job offer maybe! Wishful thinking! The first thing I would do is tell that supervisor of mines to kiss it………………. my buttocks that is! lol

My mornings go like this........ (2nd post today FYI)

My alarm betrayed me once again and I jumped up and grabbed my phone. Still no text from Deacon. I hated that I cared or looked forward to it at all.

I hit my alarm and went to my bathroom in my room to wash my face and brush my teeth and do the whole morning routine thing. I sat down to tinkle and checked my Instagram and Facebook. Totally addicted to those.

“OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG” I yelped out loud. Ray followed me (following is basically when someone wants to keep up with you on Instagram and keep up with what you post)! I sent a quick text to Tish. She had sent me a screenshot a week earlier that he was now on Instagram. I can’t really call him a fling because we never had sex, he gave me oral once but I didn’t reciprocate so Im not sure exactly what we were. I know I spoke on him before. We met hung out for 2 months, then he fell off the face of the Earth literally. I hear from him again around Kendall’s birthday. Okay, so Ray followed me.

Me: Should I follow him?

That’s the text I had sent Tish a week earlier after she sent me the screenshot.

Tish: Noooooo then you are going to look pressed, let him follow you first.

Me: That’s dumb, he won’t be able to find me Tish.

Tish: Do what you want then, you gonna follow him, he will foloow you, then hit you up, then disappear. Cycle continues.

Low blow! I didn’t follow him though and walah here he was. I clicked on his profile and saw he was on vacation. Still cute too. I didn’t even want him honestly, I just didn’t like the way we ended, with no closure or anything. We literally were talking every day until one day it was nothing.

I waited until later in the day to follow him back and saw he had liked some of my pics. I was glad to see he was going to see I still looked good too. Jerk! I’m bi-polar I know.

I got up and started my morning routine, getting myself completely together first then tackling my 2 year old. Every single morning he wants “cinnamon waffles” for breakfast even though they feed them breakfast at day care too. Therefore, I made them, got him some juice and headed out.

Work is not the highlight of my day for sure. I absolutely despise the place I’m at and it’s far from the place, it’s the people for sure. In addition, by people I mean management. I’m always one of the first to arrive and the last to leave, but that goes unnoticed. However, I won’t get into those pleasantries. I got to my desk, logged in, and hurriedly checked my email. The prior week I had 3 different interview. First, was Atlanta, GA, second was Miami, FL, and last was Baltimore, MD. They were clearly all phone interviews for the same company I’m with now but from jump I can tell you Miami is a no-go. For one the interviewees were RUDE. Afterwards I of course checked online (Craigslist) to get a realistic view of the city. Because housing sites ALWAYS only show the best pictures, but Craigslist is brutally honest. Miami looked like little Mexico. Mostly everything was run down. I was so shocked. I have been to South Beach plenty of times, and even though the hotels on South Beach are not anything to brag about, they were better then what I was seeing. I also checked the city crime rates. Sky high! Not to mention, I’m a mother of a black male, and while he’s young, we can’t forget all the racist ish Florida is known for lately. Just saying.

Atlanta was the complete opposite, for less then what I pay now I could be living in the lap of luxury or even purchase a mini mansion and get a mortgage. Much better. Schools suck in their city though.

Baltimore was in between, it was the lesser pay of them all, but still more then I make now. it’s also way closer to home then the 3. Not that I think I will get all three offers, but it would not be a bad problem to have.

I got focused and caught up on all my emails. I ran across one from Eden. He had emailed me because he thought I was ignoring him. I hadn’t been, I just was in no rush to hit him back. I was glad Eden was officially annoying to me again. I deleted his email, then went back and saved it, never know when I may need proof of anything when it came to him.

“Jaycee, can I see you in my office please” one of my supervisors stuck her head in and asked.

I nodded. This was already starting to be a GREAT morning *enter sarcastic smiley here*

Switching it up!

I have come to the conclusion you all think I’m man crazy. I can only blame myself because that’s ALL I write about, but it’s the only thing I assumed people would care to know. I only write about once a month and squeeze everything in, so it appears my life is this guy and that guy and it’s to totally NOT!

Before I carry on let me clear something up. NOONE is around Baby Boy. Deacon goes to our church so he sees him, but no one else I socialize with is subjected to my child. I understand the importance of keeping that separated.

My goal is to be more well-rounded with the blog. I suck at it that much I am sure of, but I also don’t put forth all the effort and stay consistent. The blogs I do like are great at that and that’s why I love them so I am going to tell more of my regular life, and I’ll see how many people care about that lol.

Tuesday was Wing Night at Hooters. I know they sell wings everyday but they have a great “All you can eat” for $12.95 on Tuesdays so that is usually when I partake. Kendall and I had been on the outs, so I invited her to join me and Baby Boy. I wasn’t sure if she’d accept but she did. We have been together a few times since out big blowout, the latest being a family cookout last weekend, so we were semi back to normal. I got there first and plopped in a booth with my kid. It was a rainy day out and Kendall had said she would be there shortly.

She was 7 months pregnant and came wobbling in a few minutes later, and I was surprised that I was so happy to see her. I talk a good game but I’m sensitive at heart and I did miss my cousin!

“Ugh, I just cannot deal with this child’s father of mines” she was not wasting anytime. A few months ago, we found out he had been cheating. Like full blown in another relationship cheating. Kendall had broken down terribly. They of course were expecting a baby, and were planning to move in together before the baby came, so when we discovered this 2^nd life he was living it was pretty much a punch in the gut. She cut him off completely though and so far had stuck with it, including blocking his number and refusing to see him. That did not stop him from calling from other people’s number. Just recently, she was out with friends and he had walked in with the other girl. So it is evident he wasn’t as sorry as he claimed to be.

“What did he do now?” I asked sipping my water.

“He just got someone to call me, to tell me to call him, I don’t know why he just won’t leave me alone!” she complained.

“I’m pretty sure that has something to do with you bring preggo Ken” I laughed “But I wonder what he wants, he sure didn’t have anything to say when you spotted him out the other week.

Kendall agreed as the server came over to get our order.

“I hung out with Cam this weekend,” I confessed.

“Snitching on yourself huh? That’s new, how’d that happen?” Kendall inquired.

“He called me Saturday and honestly I felt dumb, I thought he wanted to go out and I immediately got rude, but he wanted me to meet him at the mall to get Baby Boy some spring and summer clothes. So we met up and Kendall he went on a effing shopping spree for them both, I definitely felt left out. In the end he did treat me to a mani and pedi tho” I grabbed a wing as I filled her in.

“You are such a brat Jaycee, let the man be if you don’t want him, especially since he’s doing better, you can’t lead him on, you could have gotten your own mani and pedi!” Kendall lectured me.

I could have but he offered sheesh!

“Anyway” I rolled my eyes at her “we ended up hanging out then Sunday he took us, and my mom out for breakfast, did some more shopping, and even came and cooked dinner. It felt like old times I swear” I finished up.

“Oh so y’all played house, that’s cool, where was Deacon?” she asked sarcastically.

“Idk, we haven’t spoken all weekend honestly. I mean a few texts here and there, but we have really fallen off and he just doesn’t see a problem. I missed church Sunday so I haven’t seen him, I sent him a text though, I told him his plates full right now and there’s no room for me on it and he just never responded. I can’t deal with his ish, he’s so difficult to communicate with, and he really doesn’t care even though he swears he’s so in love and appreciates me and all, so much BS with him!” I complained.

Kendall nodded. Everyone thought Deacon was a bit much, but he was so perfect in the beginning, aren’t they all though?

“While we are on my guys, remember Wells Fargo, the one I don’t like but is super nice?” I asked Kendall and she nodded “Well the other day I checked in on him, he told me he had to evict his brother because he wasn’t paying rent, so his brother ended up taking a lot of his things. He tried to get them back and the brother wouldn’t return them, so he pressed theft charges or something, you know I don’t know about any of that criminal stuff” I explained.

“Prob grand larceny especially if it was big items” Kendall suggested.

I shrugged “I don’t know it was a bed and TV and some other things, any who the brother, pressed charges too, only he lied and said that Wells Fargo assaulted him, so they both have warrants now. This was like reality TV to me so I offered to drop him off, the least I figured I could do. Kendall he got arrested! He was out in a few hours but this is the effed up part, he went to work the next day and they told him they had to let him go because of it” I finished up.

“So he lost his job because of a lie? That is SO wrong on so many levels” Kendall looked truly hurt like it was her. I laughed even though it was far from funny.

“Well because they both work there, so I think the brother said it happened at work, either way he blatantly lied. But, yeah definitely messed up. I haven’t really spoken to him since tho, I still don’t like him romantically but he’s a good person he didn’t deserve that” I said licking sauce off my fingers. Gross? So what, their sauce is finger licking good!

We finished up dinner and went our separate ways. I got home and gave Baby boy a bath and got him in bed and played around with my hair, some show “Botched” came on the TV and grabbed my attention for a few and before I knew it I had dozed off. I woke up and changed into my PJ’s and decided to call it a night.

 I checked my phone, Deacon sometimes texted me on his breaks between class. No text. Sigh.

Almost forgot!

APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do some pretty crazy things but getting pregnant at this state will NOT be one of them guys. Prob not so funny right now, but its April sheesh lighten up.

And just because I WANT a guy doesn't mean I need one. Some people are very anal. I can very much want someone and their company, doesn't mean I'm depending on them. I take care of myself and my child just fine. A man is just a bonus trust me. I'm not denying I'm a brat and I like to be spoiled, but so what? Im still as independent as they come.
Thats my rant for the day, I have alot going on I'll try to focus and write soon. XOXO Jaycee

Bundles and bundles of Joy!

Hi! *hangs head* I guess what I do is monthly updates. Let’s start with worst news first. I’m pregnant. More on that later. It’s complicated.

 Eden called. On HIS birthday at that. I want to lie and say I did not recognize the number but I did have a feeling it was him (I missed the call I was sleeping). I was sleeping because I was COMPLETELY worn out. Me and Baby Boy an my mom took a weekend trip to visit my friends up North and I got to see my sweetie pie Dante. He actually rented the car for me to come, I only got to see him the 1^st night I was in town. He took me and Dani out to eat. After that his work schedule kept us apart. He got off late and I tried to stay up but could not. I am always SO tired. I spent the rest of the weekend shopping with Dani and doing kiddie stuff and that was cool. I left early the next morning, as my mom was staying for another week. I stopped to see my Dad and we had lunch. Cam wasn’t there so I took Baby Boy to see him. He was being a jerk as usual, but Im immune to it now.

I actually had a job interview there, that same week. I know now I didn’t get it (found out the weekend) but I’m not mad about it. I DO want a new job, but I LOVE being around my family too, it’s definitely a good area to live in with beaches, and parks, and the help with Baby Boy. Cause that daddy of his………………. AINT CRAP.

Any who Eden kept calling and texting and eventually I gave in. I’m not sure why. I keep it short and cute, but I’d rather we remain distant memories and I told him that. I think I’m finally getting over him. I mean you ALWAYS will love your 1^st love, but his ish is washed up and the storyline is way old.

Deacon. Hmmmmm. I don’t know where to start. He’s around. Swamped with school and work. Plenty of time for me to get into mischief. I like Deacon and I know you all know I can stand on my own two feet. I’m a natural born provider. I am not the girl that seeks to be taken care of, I got this ish handled. HOWEVER, I am still a girl, I like being spoiled. And while he pays for dinners, there’s hardly anything else. The topic came up a few weeks ago ironically. He asked me did it bother me. I told him I realized it was just him, but yes a little it did. So I was honest. He claims once he’s squared away things will be different. I don’t see how. If that’s you it just is. I’ll always be a lil spoiled brat.

Me and Kendall fell out. Yes, my cousin. My closest cousin that I’m attached to at the hip. It happened about a month ago. She’s pregnant and she has these extreme requests for her baby shower. Like they have meetings and everything. I don’t have the time for the meetings, I’m tired enough as is after work. So I told her just delegate what I need to do and I’d do my part. Obviously that didn’t work for her and we got into the dumbest blow out about it. It’s been weeks and while I love her, I haven’t had the time to really focus on it. Which is good and bad. The good is I have been extremely too busy to care, the bad is we were really close. And its DUMB because I was going to do whatever needed, I just didn’t need to attend meetings to get the mess done.

Deacon spent Easter with my family. It was nice, he was glad we came but I have to admit: At church he was talking to another young lady. All regular I’m sure, but it irritated the crap out of me. I’m fully aware I have this disease with guys called “I don’t want them but I don’t want anyone else to have them”. Cure me!

We had Spa Night for my Aunt birthday last weekend and she came, we both acted normal, but it was weird. I felt weird anyway. I’m use to us being a certain way and its definitely not like that anymore.

I really wish someone would steal my heart again. Deacon did last year but then he effed it up. I now you all think I need to be alone, but listen that doesn’t work. All that does is make me talk to a bunch of different people and play little “What if” games.  I’m so scared of losing someone I come across that I just can’t NOT entertain them. I like Deacon but I can’t put all my eggs in his basket, because we are SO different. I’m worried I would be miserable trying to please him in the long run. I love Dante, but he’s not here. Cam was a good match for me, but he’s bat shit crazy and incapable of being secure and mentally stable. I swear he needs a check from Social Security. Eden is a non-factor. There are others of course, but no one that can cancel everyone out! Or should I say no one I’m willing to take the risk for!

So that brings the baby back into play. The daddy of course right? Well it doesn’t take a genius to know it would be Deacon…… so that might make my decision a tad bit more easier if I include that little tid bit of information lol. Sigh…………… why do I do these things to myself!?