Headed Nowhere FAST!

I write nowhere as much as I use to and I’m sorry! So much is happening!

First off, hug your kids…. I was on Facebook one day looking at a old classmate and their child (she posts regularly) so its one of those kids you feel like you know since you see them so much, ya know? Any who the next day the mom is posting the death! A sudden death, the kid was under five, it really effed me up for a few days, because I’m a mom and I just can’t imagine losing Baby Boy. All the child had was a viral infection, something completely regular and it took them out, has to be the worst thing ever to bury your child. We are truly blessed and take so much for granted I swear, well I know I do.

I know I’m supposed to be focusing on me and leaving guys alone but things just have a way of knocking me off track. I was dead set on this new mission of mines too and I was leaving the bank last Friday. I was looking good and feeling even better. I had my hair in big loose girls and a long tight grey dress on that worked wonders for physique (because you know I’m struggling with my weight lately, dramatically of course because I’m a drama queen). Any who I had it topped off with a cute black leather blazer, and black leather boots with a heel and my huge black leather MK bag. All that black leather so I was feeling pretty Billy Bad Azz! I hoped in my car and I’m backing up an someone starts hounding on the horn.

“WTF, did I hit their darn car” I thought to myself. Cause I have been known to do that. I was about to panick and I looked behind me, the last thing I needed was another accident under my belt, my driving record sucked. A guy rolled his window down. I looked at his front bumper first to see the damage, because if it was bad I swear I was about to flee the scene! It looked fine so I rolled my window down prepping my weasel my way out of this. Such a slickster I am J

He mouthed something and I really was confused as I looked then I finally realized he was asking my name.

“You just going to keep yelling at me from your car?” I asked. He laughed and motioned to give him a minute as he parked and came out towards me. He had on construction worker clothes but he was cute nonetheless.

“Sorry, I saw you coming out the bank and I didn’t want you to get away” he started. I just stared; get to the point, “what’s your name?”

“Jaycee” Shoot, I meant to lie and say my middle name or something, caught me slipping.

“Jaycee huh? That’s cute, you’re cute, I know I sound crazy you just really caught me off guard, you are gorgeous,” he continued to stare.

He was great for my ego but for some reason I saw the sincerity. I was now glad I had decided to abort the ponytail I had been rocking the last few days and actually curl my hair.

“Thanks!” I beamed, “and you are?”

He told me his name was Wells Fargo. Well of course he didn’t say that but that’s what we are going to call him, because that’s my bank. Let’s shorten it to Wells. Me and Wells talked for about three minutes, I told him I was headed to get Baby Boy and again he went on about how I certainly didn’t look like I had ever had a child. Tell that to the scale, I wanted to say. I did end up giving him my number and I know that was probably a bad idea. I know, I know, I know but he was nice! And I hadn’t met him in a club or anything like that so I figured what if this was Mr. Right? (Speaking of my weight issue, I totally quit my 21 Days of Fitness on Day 5, the weekend messed me up, smh. I had a good run though, I thought I was going to make it this go round). Usually Kendall is my go-to person because she is always down to lose weight, but shes knocked up, so what does she care about getting fat, its inevitable for her. Sucks for me tho.

Meanwhile Deacon had texted me asking where I was. Deacon came thru in a clutch last weekend, I might be repeating myself but he babysat Baby Boy for me and did great! I wanted to work OT Saturday and my mom had an event and all my friends that I would have trusted (Only Taye and Kendall) were busy. I know Sweet Canadian asked where I worked and I’m a federal government employee. I work for an agency that you all probably have frequented and hate and I’m paid on that wonderful GS pay scale (sarcasm). The promotions I’m applying for are a GS-11, which is around $82,000, so let’s keep our fingers crossed for that. I’m only in the $54,000 range now.

Sunday Jamison (male BFF) went to church with me, I was telling him about Deacon on the way there and I do not know what he expected but they ended up meeting.

“Don’t fuck this up Jaycee I like him” Jamison said after church.

“But he’s not THEE one!” I fussed.

“He’s opposite of you, that’s wonderful in itself” he joked.

“No you don’t get it, I always feel like I’m being evaluated when I’m with him or have to be perfect” I tried to explain.

“Just let it flow, you are thinking about walking down the aisle just live for tight now. Last time you got to thinking you ended up married to Cam’s ass, I liked him too though. Y’all being these men around me and I like them then you just kick them to the curb!” Jamison ranted.

“Shut up!” I playfully punched him. He dropped me off and then I headed to lunch with Deacon. I liked being around him, but the one thing he accused me of was true: I entertained other males. It was just conversation mostly but I did it. I told him it was because he was so inconsistent. One week he’s around and great and the next he’s goes missing because I “pissed him off”. Grow up!

 We went back to my house after, drank hot chocolate, and watched Annie. I was not aware it wasn’t in theaters yet when I face booked everyone to go see it. It was so clear I thought it was a DVD! But like I said it’s definitely worth going to see, I loved it.

Wells has actually been calling and texting regularly. Me, Kendall, and another friend were at a seafood restaurant and he stopped by to say hey. He was walking his “Chihuahua” in the area and when I went outside to greet him it was a freaking pit bull! I can’t stand big dogs, well dogs period! Sorry I’m no animal lover by far, we chatted for a few before I went back inside, but he’s definitely a sweetie pie.

Cam and me are arguing every other day. I swear it is not me. He insists on making my life a living hell. I asked him did he want to keep Baby Boy the weekend before Christmas up until Christmas Day to spend some time with him. He claimed he would probably be working, cool! So I decided why not hit up another city for the holidays with my family. I told my mom and she was all for it. I told Cam and now its “Did you even factor me in? I want to see him on Christmas too!” I thought he had to work.

Last night we went to Deacons, he wanted to talk to Baby Boy. I had been down in the slumps because I blamed myself that his male role model was a effing jerk. So I give it to Deacon he had been stepping up. We went there and all had dinner and Baby Boy was on his best behavior, way different from what I deal with because he totally only listens to me when he feel like it. They played after and we actually had a good time. Deacon is awesome when he’s in a good mood, which only means a bad one is brewing. Any little thing I do can piss him off, like clockwork. Like my mom called and I told her Kendall was coming over to put up the tree.

“So you just weren’t going to ask me huh?” Deacon shook his head.

“I didn’t know you wanted to do that” I shrugged, I hadn’t, shoot I didn’t even want to do it.

“You just treat me so bad Jaycee, I try to do everything to make you happy but you don’t think about me when you should” Deacon went on.

I wanted to yell out “IT’S A FREAKING CHRISTMAS TREE SHUT THE EFF UP!” Instead, I let him cool off and waited until today to ask him did he want to come over and help.

He immediately said he would, such a freaking brat. I’ve learned to pick my battles with him and could I really be mad that he actually WANTED to help put up a tree for MY child? Absolutely not.

So, in a nutshell, I guess I made no progress at all male wise huh?

Reality Check

Everyone should go read the last comment on the previous post from Sweet Canadian to me, its lengthy but she made some strong points and she made me realize while I claim to say I’m living and learning, what I’m really doing is living…. learning…. and repeating.

I know this to be true especially with Cam. Cam reels his way back in because we have a child together. As long as he thinks, there is a chance he will go above and beyond if I ask for anything. A few weeks ago he came down and bought a vacuum (since I said baby boy kept spilling things), groceries (I said we needed snacks), some costume jewelry (because I threw it in the cart), and anything else my little hands and mind could think up. We went out to eat and the whole works. Since then though I chilled out from him because I did realize it was feeling more like we were “working things out” and I don’t want that. So yesterday, I looked on Facebook and he had a status that read: Countdown to Miami! New Year’s eve!!! Can’t wait.

He had previously invited me but I said why would I go to Miami with you, when you can’t even do all I need for you to do for our son. So then he said “Well let’s take him to NY to see the Christmas lights and stuff at Macys, and then we can drop him off and shoot to Miami”. He needed to be slapped. You have money to do all this huh? So I tested him yesterday.

Me: Tomorrow I’m going to need an extra $80. I want to pay daycare ahead of time and Baby Boy needs some things.

Now mind you I have not been talking to Cam or visiting him as much as he would like so he’s pissed off.

Cam: I’m putting the same amount in there I always do Jaycee $150. I don’t have to give you extra cash, tell me what he needs and I’ll get it.

Me: Ok, thanks.

I was not going to argue with him. However, the dummy felt guilty because soon after he wrote me again.

Cam: I need to start saving and pay off my other debts, I can’t be giving you all my money.

This negro pays NO bills where he lives and gives me $150 every 2 weeks, which is effing NOTHING when to comes to taking care of a child, he’s getting off scott free. In addition, I can’t even take him for child support because he gets paid under the table so I really wouldn’t get anything. Defeated I just replied “ok”. I have to realize, like Sweet Canadian said, that we divorced for a reason. If him and me are good he’s a great dad and will get him every weekend and do whatever he needs to do as a parent. When he doesn’t think there’s a chance with me its,  “I’m working every day I won’t be able to get him for a while, I’ll put the money for the week in your account”. That’s not being a parent. I work every day too but I can’t pick and choose when it’s convenient to be a mother, I have to work that ish out. But I’m okay with this, I really am, it’s an eye opener. So if I ever get back talking sweetly about Cam: CHECK MY ASS QUICK!”

Deacon slid his way back in, but the feelings have changed, on my end anyway. He probably thinks we are fine but I am no longer head over heels for him. Moreover, while he thinks he’s the greatest guy, I just simply don’t feel that way. He is a lousy boyfriend. He does not talk on the phone that much, his texts are usually complaints, and he doesn’t want me to do ish! He came over the other night and did some things around my house that needed to be done, which I was grateful for. We had been on bad terms still the weeks prior, so Monday I met him for lunch and we chatted, and he came over that night, and we banged. I think that’s why I’m keeping him around, his sex is really good, but we don’t even do it often. He called it “make-up sex”. Whatever!

We probably are so much better off as just friends, but I don’t know how to approach that just yet. As you can tell I suck at distancing myself from people or cutting them off, but I KNOW for a fact he is going to get irate about SOMETHING soon so I’m just kind of waiting for it and then I plan on saying “Ok! This isn’t working!” lol wimp move I know.

On a brighter note away from men, my job has an immediate opening I have put in for, I feel like now is the time I should focus on my career. I was going to go for my Master’s but if I get this promotion that’s out the window lol. Not to mention I will save a heap of money that I was going to have to spend on tuition.

 My social life with my friends is doing well. I have been trying to see everyone more when I can but lately I have been panicking about my weight. I have always been 129 and under. Usually around 124-128 lbs. Well the other day I’m at work and my darn jeans kept biting into my flesh. I got home and got on my scale and that biotch read 134! I literally screamed. I am use to eating whatever I want and not working out and just maintaining my physique. Even after the kid, that weight fell right off without me trying in a matter of weeks. I was truly blessed. But now ish has hit the fan. So I grabbed Baby Boy and went to Wal-Mart and got me some Special K and some almonds and dug out my “21 Day Fix workout“ tape. I vowed to leave the fast food alone and stick to a little diet for 21 days. I’m only on Day 4 and the crap hasn’t seemed to work AT ALL.

For one I got on the scale last night and it said 137.5. So I actually GIANED 3.5 pounds. That was total BS. I know they say that may happen because you gain muscle and all that but eff that! I don’t want muscle I want this bulge in my belly GONE! December 23^rd is the deadline so I will keep y’all posted. My Annual Christmas party at my house is that day so I plan on looking my best so this got darn wench “Autumn” on my workout DVD better be legit!