Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

Sorry I have been off for about a month, so obviously my blog was neglected L doesn’t mean life stopped though! So much has happened in a month and I am happy about all of it! I guess there’s nowhere to start but the beginning, so let’s back track to December!

I had decided to take Baby Boy to see the Christmas lights, I know every city has this, where you drive through and they have a display of lights? It’s pretty cool and I invited Deacon to go too. Off tops, he was moody, I asked him to drive and he wouldn’t, he could’ve drove my car but he was pretty adamant on being a passenger. We got 10 seconds from my house and BOOM! I hit someone’s car, totally my fault. Texting at a red light and took off and hit this ladies car. It was actually pretty dramatic and I couldn’t help but laugh, no damage was done but she was so mad. Deacon had gotten out handling everything and for that, I was grateful. He ended up telling me to move to the passenger’s seat. We could have done that from jump and skipped the accident!

No really I am aware that this was an awful thing to happen and could have been way worst and trust me I learned my lesson. We went on to get Baby Boy from school and to see the lights and that is the last time I saw Deacon! Lol, needless to say he’s finito! The arguing and everything finally got to me. I was in a place where I was always trying to either impress him, or not piss him off, and honestly, that was exhausting. I did not know we were done then though I thought it was another one of our weeklong hiatus’s we take and then make up. I skipped town for Christmas with my family and he finally contacted me, it started off ok, but of course it didn’t last. He had said he still wanted to spend time with Baby Boy. And at first I didn’t mind it, so when we got back in town I let him know. His response was “Well I’m not coming over there, you can bring him here for a few hours if you need to do something”. Negro! You are not going to negotiate MY child with me and how you see him. I just responded ok and never bought it back up. I did ask for my key back though. His response “I threw that out the window weeks ago”. Really? That was like the nail in the coffin, why throw it away, you are close to 40 you couldn’t just return my darn key? By New Year’s Eve I was over Deacon and ready to leave him in 2014 and decided I would. He texted me “Happy New Year” I did not respond. He texted me 2 days ago “Hope all is well with you and Baby Boy and that this year brings you much joy and happiness” I did not respond. No thanks and good riddance!

Eden. That period equals finality for him too. First off, he’s having a baby. With the girl he CLAIMS he hates and can’t stand. Yet you managed to create life…. interesting right? He tried to act so mad when he told me, but I wasn’t buying it. I actually took Baby Boy to NYC over the holidays and met my friends in the city, we had a ball hanging out, and that night Eden showed up. He was enjoying our company and it hit me he was full of ish too. He was trying to live two lives and just telling me everything I wanted to hear and I was eating it right up. Not anymore, I told him I was going to send some stuff to his little girlfriend to see how he would react. He acted like it was no big deal, so I did it. The next day he called going off! Then he was calm again like nothing happened. I laid his tail out for being a overall jerk. He texted me on New Year’s Eve too. I responded, “Don’t text my phone!”

Eden: Oh really?

Eden: Copy!

Me: I left your ass in 2014, stay there!

That worked, until he called, I threatened to send the girl more stuff and he stayed gone for about a week and a half. He texted me some BS about how he still wasn’t messing with me but could I look over a resume for his little cousin. NOT! I guess he thought I didn’t get the text so he called. I rejected that too. I learned responses are no longer necessary for people you have no intentions on speaking with again. Silence is golden!

Since all that happened, life has actually been kind of sweet! Cam is Cam. Quite frankly I don’t even want to get in on him right now, he has been holding up his end of this parenting thing though with a few arguments here and there. But that’s Cam right!? Worsem self.

I met up with my college friends this past weekend and our kids. We met in Washington D.C, got a room, and just hung out. I liked that. No guys, no drama, we had a suite so we cooked dinner and drank wine and just enjoyed each other. Pretty cool. I haven’t been around a lot of my friends here actually. I skipped town as much as I could since I was off with Baby Boy so the only person I actually saw regularly was Kendall, my ride or die lol. We did have a Ugly Sweater Christmas Party. Turned out cute but I think next year NO KIDS! Lol

Unfortunately, for you guys, there goes my drama, I let them go and nowadays, life’s pretty pleasant!

There is one guy I speak to, but it’s NOTHING serious at the moment at all, so I’m not even going to speak on it for now. We talk occasionally throughout the week but that is about it, he doesn’t even live near me. Therefore, I have definitely been focused more this year and I’m loving it so far! I hope all is well with you all and that your New Year has been great so far and if you haven’t seen SELMA yet it’s a MUST SEE!! Very emotional and a great see to see how fortunate we are as African Americans, I know everyone reading this isn’t African American, but you would still love it I promise. It shows unity and just how far we have come as a Nation. Very humbling for me! Check it out.

Headed Nowhere FAST!

I write nowhere as much as I use to and I’m sorry! So much is happening!

First off, hug your kids…. I was on Facebook one day looking at a old classmate and their child (she posts regularly) so its one of those kids you feel like you know since you see them so much, ya know? Any who the next day the mom is posting the death! A sudden death, the kid was under five, it really effed me up for a few days, because I’m a mom and I just can’t imagine losing Baby Boy. All the child had was a viral infection, something completely regular and it took them out, has to be the worst thing ever to bury your child. We are truly blessed and take so much for granted I swear, well I know I do.

I know I’m supposed to be focusing on me and leaving guys alone but things just have a way of knocking me off track. I was dead set on this new mission of mines too and I was leaving the bank last Friday. I was looking good and feeling even better. I had my hair in big loose girls and a long tight grey dress on that worked wonders for physique (because you know I’m struggling with my weight lately, dramatically of course because I’m a drama queen). Any who I had it topped off with a cute black leather blazer, and black leather boots with a heel and my huge black leather MK bag. All that black leather so I was feeling pretty Billy Bad Azz! I hoped in my car and I’m backing up an someone starts hounding on the horn.

“WTF, did I hit their darn car” I thought to myself. Cause I have been known to do that. I was about to panick and I looked behind me, the last thing I needed was another accident under my belt, my driving record sucked. A guy rolled his window down. I looked at his front bumper first to see the damage, because if it was bad I swear I was about to flee the scene! It looked fine so I rolled my window down prepping my weasel my way out of this. Such a slickster I am J

He mouthed something and I really was confused as I looked then I finally realized he was asking my name.

“You just going to keep yelling at me from your car?” I asked. He laughed and motioned to give him a minute as he parked and came out towards me. He had on construction worker clothes but he was cute nonetheless.

“Sorry, I saw you coming out the bank and I didn’t want you to get away” he started. I just stared; get to the point, “what’s your name?”

“Jaycee” Shoot, I meant to lie and say my middle name or something, caught me slipping.

“Jaycee huh? That’s cute, you’re cute, I know I sound crazy you just really caught me off guard, you are gorgeous,” he continued to stare.

He was great for my ego but for some reason I saw the sincerity. I was now glad I had decided to abort the ponytail I had been rocking the last few days and actually curl my hair.

“Thanks!” I beamed, “and you are?”

He told me his name was Wells Fargo. Well of course he didn’t say that but that’s what we are going to call him, because that’s my bank. Let’s shorten it to Wells. Me and Wells talked for about three minutes, I told him I was headed to get Baby Boy and again he went on about how I certainly didn’t look like I had ever had a child. Tell that to the scale, I wanted to say. I did end up giving him my number and I know that was probably a bad idea. I know, I know, I know but he was nice! And I hadn’t met him in a club or anything like that so I figured what if this was Mr. Right? (Speaking of my weight issue, I totally quit my 21 Days of Fitness on Day 5, the weekend messed me up, smh. I had a good run though, I thought I was going to make it this go round). Usually Kendall is my go-to person because she is always down to lose weight, but shes knocked up, so what does she care about getting fat, its inevitable for her. Sucks for me tho.

Meanwhile Deacon had texted me asking where I was. Deacon came thru in a clutch last weekend, I might be repeating myself but he babysat Baby Boy for me and did great! I wanted to work OT Saturday and my mom had an event and all my friends that I would have trusted (Only Taye and Kendall) were busy. I know Sweet Canadian asked where I worked and I’m a federal government employee. I work for an agency that you all probably have frequented and hate and I’m paid on that wonderful GS pay scale (sarcasm). The promotions I’m applying for are a GS-11, which is around $82,000, so let’s keep our fingers crossed for that. I’m only in the $54,000 range now.

Sunday Jamison (male BFF) went to church with me, I was telling him about Deacon on the way there and I do not know what he expected but they ended up meeting.

“Don’t fuck this up Jaycee I like him” Jamison said after church.

“But he’s not THEE one!” I fussed.

“He’s opposite of you, that’s wonderful in itself” he joked.

“No you don’t get it, I always feel like I’m being evaluated when I’m with him or have to be perfect” I tried to explain.

“Just let it flow, you are thinking about walking down the aisle just live for tight now. Last time you got to thinking you ended up married to Cam’s ass, I liked him too though. Y’all being these men around me and I like them then you just kick them to the curb!” Jamison ranted.

“Shut up!” I playfully punched him. He dropped me off and then I headed to lunch with Deacon. I liked being around him, but the one thing he accused me of was true: I entertained other males. It was just conversation mostly but I did it. I told him it was because he was so inconsistent. One week he’s around and great and the next he’s goes missing because I “pissed him off”. Grow up!

 We went back to my house after, drank hot chocolate, and watched Annie. I was not aware it wasn’t in theaters yet when I face booked everyone to go see it. It was so clear I thought it was a DVD! But like I said it’s definitely worth going to see, I loved it.

Wells has actually been calling and texting regularly. Me, Kendall, and another friend were at a seafood restaurant and he stopped by to say hey. He was walking his “Chihuahua” in the area and when I went outside to greet him it was a freaking pit bull! I can’t stand big dogs, well dogs period! Sorry I’m no animal lover by far, we chatted for a few before I went back inside, but he’s definitely a sweetie pie.

Cam and me are arguing every other day. I swear it is not me. He insists on making my life a living hell. I asked him did he want to keep Baby Boy the weekend before Christmas up until Christmas Day to spend some time with him. He claimed he would probably be working, cool! So I decided why not hit up another city for the holidays with my family. I told my mom and she was all for it. I told Cam and now its “Did you even factor me in? I want to see him on Christmas too!” I thought he had to work.

Last night we went to Deacons, he wanted to talk to Baby Boy. I had been down in the slumps because I blamed myself that his male role model was a effing jerk. So I give it to Deacon he had been stepping up. We went there and all had dinner and Baby Boy was on his best behavior, way different from what I deal with because he totally only listens to me when he feel like it. They played after and we actually had a good time. Deacon is awesome when he’s in a good mood, which only means a bad one is brewing. Any little thing I do can piss him off, like clockwork. Like my mom called and I told her Kendall was coming over to put up the tree.

“So you just weren’t going to ask me huh?” Deacon shook his head.

“I didn’t know you wanted to do that” I shrugged, I hadn’t, shoot I didn’t even want to do it.

“You just treat me so bad Jaycee, I try to do everything to make you happy but you don’t think about me when you should” Deacon went on.

I wanted to yell out “IT’S A FREAKING CHRISTMAS TREE SHUT THE EFF UP!” Instead, I let him cool off and waited until today to ask him did he want to come over and help.

He immediately said he would, such a freaking brat. I’ve learned to pick my battles with him and could I really be mad that he actually WANTED to help put up a tree for MY child? Absolutely not.

So, in a nutshell, I guess I made no progress at all male wise huh?

Reality Check

Everyone should go read the last comment on the previous post from Sweet Canadian to me, its lengthy but she made some strong points and she made me realize while I claim to say I’m living and learning, what I’m really doing is living…. learning…. and repeating.

I know this to be true especially with Cam. Cam reels his way back in because we have a child together. As long as he thinks, there is a chance he will go above and beyond if I ask for anything. A few weeks ago he came down and bought a vacuum (since I said baby boy kept spilling things), groceries (I said we needed snacks), some costume jewelry (because I threw it in the cart), and anything else my little hands and mind could think up. We went out to eat and the whole works. Since then though I chilled out from him because I did realize it was feeling more like we were “working things out” and I don’t want that. So yesterday, I looked on Facebook and he had a status that read: Countdown to Miami! New Year’s eve!!! Can’t wait.

He had previously invited me but I said why would I go to Miami with you, when you can’t even do all I need for you to do for our son. So then he said “Well let’s take him to NY to see the Christmas lights and stuff at Macys, and then we can drop him off and shoot to Miami”. He needed to be slapped. You have money to do all this huh? So I tested him yesterday.

Me: Tomorrow I’m going to need an extra $80. I want to pay daycare ahead of time and Baby Boy needs some things.

Now mind you I have not been talking to Cam or visiting him as much as he would like so he’s pissed off.

Cam: I’m putting the same amount in there I always do Jaycee $150. I don’t have to give you extra cash, tell me what he needs and I’ll get it.

Me: Ok, thanks.

I was not going to argue with him. However, the dummy felt guilty because soon after he wrote me again.

Cam: I need to start saving and pay off my other debts, I can’t be giving you all my money.

This negro pays NO bills where he lives and gives me $150 every 2 weeks, which is effing NOTHING when to comes to taking care of a child, he’s getting off scott free. In addition, I can’t even take him for child support because he gets paid under the table so I really wouldn’t get anything. Defeated I just replied “ok”. I have to realize, like Sweet Canadian said, that we divorced for a reason. If him and me are good he’s a great dad and will get him every weekend and do whatever he needs to do as a parent. When he doesn’t think there’s a chance with me its,  “I’m working every day I won’t be able to get him for a while, I’ll put the money for the week in your account”. That’s not being a parent. I work every day too but I can’t pick and choose when it’s convenient to be a mother, I have to work that ish out. But I’m okay with this, I really am, it’s an eye opener. So if I ever get back talking sweetly about Cam: CHECK MY ASS QUICK!”

Deacon slid his way back in, but the feelings have changed, on my end anyway. He probably thinks we are fine but I am no longer head over heels for him. Moreover, while he thinks he’s the greatest guy, I just simply don’t feel that way. He is a lousy boyfriend. He does not talk on the phone that much, his texts are usually complaints, and he doesn’t want me to do ish! He came over the other night and did some things around my house that needed to be done, which I was grateful for. We had been on bad terms still the weeks prior, so Monday I met him for lunch and we chatted, and he came over that night, and we banged. I think that’s why I’m keeping him around, his sex is really good, but we don’t even do it often. He called it “make-up sex”. Whatever!

We probably are so much better off as just friends, but I don’t know how to approach that just yet. As you can tell I suck at distancing myself from people or cutting them off, but I KNOW for a fact he is going to get irate about SOMETHING soon so I’m just kind of waiting for it and then I plan on saying “Ok! This isn’t working!” lol wimp move I know.

On a brighter note away from men, my job has an immediate opening I have put in for, I feel like now is the time I should focus on my career. I was going to go for my Master’s but if I get this promotion that’s out the window lol. Not to mention I will save a heap of money that I was going to have to spend on tuition.

 My social life with my friends is doing well. I have been trying to see everyone more when I can but lately I have been panicking about my weight. I have always been 129 and under. Usually around 124-128 lbs. Well the other day I’m at work and my darn jeans kept biting into my flesh. I got home and got on my scale and that biotch read 134! I literally screamed. I am use to eating whatever I want and not working out and just maintaining my physique. Even after the kid, that weight fell right off without me trying in a matter of weeks. I was truly blessed. But now ish has hit the fan. So I grabbed Baby Boy and went to Wal-Mart and got me some Special K and some almonds and dug out my “21 Day Fix workout“ tape. I vowed to leave the fast food alone and stick to a little diet for 21 days. I’m only on Day 4 and the crap hasn’t seemed to work AT ALL.

For one I got on the scale last night and it said 137.5. So I actually GIANED 3.5 pounds. That was total BS. I know they say that may happen because you gain muscle and all that but eff that! I don’t want muscle I want this bulge in my belly GONE! December 23^rd is the deadline so I will keep y’all posted. My Annual Christmas party at my house is that day so I plan on looking my best so this got darn wench “Autumn” on my workout DVD better be legit!

Birthday Blues...

Happy Birthday to Taye!! This weekend was my BFF’s birthday weekend and it was FREEZING! I knew she had a weekend planned, so I prepped Deacon ahead of time to let him know I would be booked basically after Friday. I did not expect him to understand because he is SOOOOO mature and doesn’t understand who still celebrates birthdays the way me and my friends do at our age.

Any who my plans were halted when Baby Boy got sick, I got him the flu shot, well the nasal spray flu thingy and it triggered a fever. My mom suggested she keep him because he was already over there and she considered it too cold to take him outside. LOL! She just wanted to keep him I’m sure. But it was already planned that Cam would get him for the weekend. I thought he would fuss but instead he accommodated us all and volunteered to come to us to see Baby Boy that way he still could stay local.

So, I’m getting off track, Friday I suggested to Deacon that we should hang since that’s the ONLY day Taye didn’t have something scheduled. We went to a seafood restaurant and it was delicious. He was catching a cold so his throat was sore so he asked for hot tea and spiked it with gin. While he was drinking it he goes “I’m so glad I’ll be starting a new job and can drink again, I use to be an alcoholic” Wait….. what? You tell me this as you order round after round of shots. I asked for the check and I drove us to the next destination after quizzing him about his latest confession. He kept shrugging it off so I don’t know if he was serious or joking but sheesh! We ended up at a bowling alley, where I demolished him in strikes and then we called it a night because I was working overtime the next morning. He told me since I had plans he was going to head to the country to visit family. Perfect. Or so I thought.

The next day I went to work and then to hang with Baby Boy at my moms. But, he was sleep, I went to Taye’s place a little early to help set up for her get together. Overall, it was okay, she ended up getting pretty hammered and annoying so I left and decided to call it a night. Deacon was nowhere to be found. He claimed “Bad reception out here in the country”. Did I trip on that? No, not a big deal. The next day I went to church and he was absent, I texted him and he said he was home cooking with a headache. I asked him specifically did he want me to come over after service and he said “Not unless you want to get sick”. I certainly did not so I spent the afternoon with my sick kid again until it was time for Taye’s birthday dinner. I texted Deacon a few times but he didn’t reply to anything, I figured he was sleeping.

When that psycho woke up he went off! Saying how I’m supposed to be his girlfriend and I should have canceled my plans if I knew he needed me, and he would have done that for me.

First things first you have a cold NOT Ebola for heaven’s sake. Secondly I asked and you told me no, and third my kid was sick too so sorry you are not my first priority. I told him I could run to get him anything but he wanted to continue with his temper tantrum and I did not have time for that. Taye’s dinner had been a good time with good friends and he was ruining my Sunday vibe. Therefore, I said good night and let him be. I did text his this morning, he decided to stay petty and be short with me so that’s fine too.

I told my older cousin about it this morning and she thinks he’s a subtle control freak. The type that slowly pulls you away from friends and doesn’t want you doing anything without him. That sounds like the old Cam! And I’m not here for that. Sucks for Deacon though because this time I did NOTHING wrong, in my eyes at least and I’m not kissing your tail over a cold. So be mad! This relationship is starting to feel like a part time job. He thinks because he was his life in order I should basically worship him. I can appreciate you being successful but your attitude sucks at times.

Other than that all is well. Baby Boy is doing better, I really think the flu shot just caused a temperature. Works fine, I am applying for promotions, and the holidays are approaching! Me and Cam have been getting along and I have no complaints honestly……… so that’s a blessing!

I'm Alive!

Sorry guys, I’m fine! I had a mental breakdown right after my last post. Deacon cut me off! He washed his hands of me and surprisingly I was heartbroken. I couldn’t figure out if I really cared or if I just didn’t like the fact that HE was the one that cut the cord. Either way I laid holed up in my house for about a week depressed. I told all my friends not to bother me and was a complete BIOTCH. The weekend before I had thought something happened to him. So me, Kendall, and Taye staged a stakeout at his house. Didn’t last long before we got bored, all it did was worry me more because he wasn’t home and it was late. So, we went to my house and called all the hospitals just to be safe. Nothing came up and I was a nervous wreck until I got to church Sunday, Low and behold the bastard was up there and look perfectly fine! I was pissed! He smirked at me, but we didn’t talk and after church I went off. Didn’t help, he said he was basically done, and that’s when reality set in.

I know I shouldn’t have tried to be a little player but I was honestly confused. And I know I put myself in the situation but what the hell!? To cut me of? I tried everything too to break him down and finally agreed to let me come over. After a bunch of games anyway, he was really taking advantage. He would say a time, then change it, then he said he was coming over, then he would say no come to him, bull crap like that but I did it. I ended up writing a super long email saying how much he meant to me, and the bastard laughed! I ended up crying and that is when he softened up and told me he just wasn’t sure he could get pass me being so blatantly disrespectful. Especially since I knew how his ex-had cheated. I got it; I think I just thought I was too good to be dumped. Like I could get away with anything. Not this go round.

Therefore, I picked up the pieces, and got myself back on track. I apologized to my friends an got my hair done, an my nails and feet, and started dressing up super classy for work. Anything to lift my spirits. And you know who started showing up? Deacon! I can’t remember how it started but he was back to coming around and staying the night and taking me out and for a while we were…………….. normal again.

I said if I got him back I was cutting everyone off, but during our “break”, Eden actually was my listening ear. And he wasn’t being biased. So when we got back on track it was bittersweet for Eden. Fast forward and last week I’m sitting around watching TV and Deacon says “646…………… hmmm I don’t know anyone with a New York area code” then he laughed. I knew someone, Eden! I didn’t think anything of it, but then I glanced at my phone and Eden had texted me. Nothing crazy but he had definitely texted and asked, “Are you still ignoring me?” There was no way possible Deacon had saw my phone, it had been face down. Weird right?

I slept on it and decided either he’s a effing weirdo, or he hacked my phone! I asked him why he said “646” and his response was “It just popped in my head; I told you I have visions, and I know you are having inappropriate conversations with someone in NY, I’m asking you to stop before I get fed up. If I’m your man you have no reason to still be conversing with other men 3 months into our relationship”.

I was SO freaked out. That’s weird I don’t care how you slice and dice it. So everyone has been being ignored on my phone. Let them think I fell off the face of the Earth so be it!

Everyone except Cam, he is determined to make me see he has changed. I don’t want to get into that though, this is enough for now on him.

Anyway, Deacon was fine then we were battling the whole celibate thing again since we slipped up and he decided he shouldn’t stay over anymore. I was fine with that but he was being distant. I asked him was he becoming unsure about us, but he kept saying that wasn’t the case at all he was just going thru a lot. He said I don’t support him and I definitely do, so I asked what else could I be doing? This bastard said : By not riding my back. Meaning pressing him! The nerve! That was rude, but okay. He wants me to not press him? Got it, watch how it feels when I pay your tail no mind!

 Wendy came down about a week ago and he freaked me out then too. We went out with Kendall to a club and they both drove. I rode there with Kendall and back with Wendy. And he texted asking where I was, I told him. He asked how I got home and I said Kendall, not thinking. He said “You are lying I KNOW Kendall didn’t drive you home!” I’m thinking what’s the big deal anyway, but his theory was “if you will lie about something as small as that you will lie about anything”. Long story short I went to his house afterwards and he started again with this vision theory. He said he had a vision of Wendy driving me home, a black car (which Wendy has), and a guy whispering in my ear at the bar. So again, either he was spying or he’s got some weird special powers lol

I took a much-needed break because I had way too much going on to even put into words. It’s halfway figured out but you know me…… I cannot walk a straight path to save my life. There’s always SOMETHING and nothing has changed trust me!

Fall Cleaning!

Deacon’s done. I think so anyway. We got into a big spat about me going to my Dads house. Cam lives with my Dad. I had to pick up Baby Boy and it’s an hour away and I didn’t want to leave and have to come right back so I went the day before. He said it was disrespectful, agreeable. But he also didn’t offer any alternatives like riding with me so I wouldn’t have to drive alone or anything like that.

Either way I haven’t seen him in a week. Since last Saturday morning, so it will be a week tomorrow. Am I upset? Nope. Nonchalant pretty much. Monday I was in my feelings over it, even by Wednesday I was hoping he would come over. Here it is Friday and I have actually gotten comfortable NOT seeing him and all his antics.

We are supposed to go to his cousins wedding tomorrow, SO not going to happen. I cancelled my hair appointment. Mad or not mad if you wanted me to go you should have made peace by now. He has been acting like the biggest child all week and saying THEE worst things. For instance (and I do not want any talk back on this) I missed my period. Some may say this is what I get for lying to Eden but whatever. It could be that Plan B pill I took, or I could very well be pregnant. I told Deacon and he said he would buy a test. So on Wednesday night I asked him did he get it?

Deacon: Nope, I’m not buying you nothing. If you are pregnant, you will just have another deadbeat daddy on ya hands.

I hung up on him. How rude was that? And Cam isn’t a deadbeat………. Lately. But I talk too darn much and I am too trusting because he used that against me the first chance he got. And that’s what I texted and told him.

Deacon: I apologize sweetheart. You are right that was awful to say I was just upset.

Me: Yep.

And that’s when the ball got in my court, and I have been short and sweet ever since and basically over Deacon. I just simply don’t know if this is the real him or another side of him but either way I am not feeling it and can do without it, which I also told him.

So tonight I made plans to bar hop with my friends in Halloween get ups. Last night I took Baby Boy and his cousins Trick or Treating at a nursing home. So cute and they had a ball. Tonight we will be at church and then my mom is taking him out thru her neighborhood, which is fine by me. I would have just been sitting home bored, so when my friend asked me to peruse my city with her I said “heck yeah!”

I also scheduled myself to work on Saturday and family pictures afterwards, so screw Deacon’s wedding and whatever game he is trying to play, especially since I think he disinvited me anyway. Because if we were going I would totally need time to get my hair done and color coordinate our outfits so obviously he didn’t care. Noted! He had told me last week we were probably just going to do the ceremony and not the reception. What the eff kind of fun was that, the receptions are the best part. Turns out he had forgotten to RSVP, that’s wack because I was definitely hyped up about going. I’ve been trying to get to a good wedding all year!

I have a date planned with the BFF Tay Saturday evening, so I’m pretty sure the next time I’ll see Deacon is at church. I plan on being in and out and looking SHARP while doing so. Oh the games we play. Sure I’m over us, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make him miss me, especially since he made that rude tail comment. Jerk!

Cam tried to ambush me into a relationship. He actually came down and saw my townhouse and cooked us dinner and spent some time with Baby Boy. I had to check him and slow him down. “We” were not happening. Not anytime soon, clearly I need to be in NOONE’S relationship. I also pat myself because I kept my vow of celibancy.  Now if I can get out of this pregnancy scare I will be good to go.

*Please Lord don’t let me be knocked up, I didn’t know Deacon was such a jerk*

On the flip side Kendall is pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember they told her she couldn’t have kids??? Well look at God! She’s super early and not due until July, so technically she shouldn’t be telling everyone, but we are all so excited for her, such a blessing! However, I do hope I will not be joining her for babies in 2015.

My manager is helping me spice up my gov’t resume. I don’t talk about my job much because… well….. I hate it! I always put in for jobs and always make all the cuts, up until the actual selection process then I lose. We have to compete with veterans and they win every time. So she was suggesting we look over what I was sending in and apparently mines was doing me no justice. I hope that giving it a makeover will do me some good.

I also realized maybe instead of looking for a guy to keep me from boredom maybe I should use something else, something with more longevity, so I applied for my Master’s degree! I go to do the walk thru of campus on Monday. I’m kind of scared, kind of happy, but I would have it in 1.5 years and that would take up my free time tremendously I’m sure and after that year and a half this “hobby” won’t leave me, it will be with me forever and ever. Not a bad idea right?

I haven’t talked to Eden, and I don’t plan on it, I didn’t let him think I had an abortion, but he also didn’t ask for the money back, just said he was glad I didn’t have to go thru with it. We never really established what really happened we just let it be known that an abortion DIDN’T happen and I wasn’t having a baby. I don’t think we will be chatting again, there was no yelling or angriness but we are better off just exiting each other’s lives basically.

I’m doing fall clean up’s hopefully y’all are seeing my progress! I’m trying to iron these wrinkles out I have created!

Nope!

I decided to do some answers in a posting, just in case people do not read the comments.

No, I never told Eden the truth, and no I don’t plan on it. It is done, I did it, can’t say I regret it though. I’m up and down about it, all those times he was a jerk, karma has come back around, but that’s also means it’s going to pay me a visit as well.

Like my period being late, should have been here yesterday and I’m not panicking…….. yes I am!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like this is a test. If I do not tell him, I’m going to be pregnant and if I do I won’t be. I sound silly I know but this is how my mind operates.

I think you all forget too I am human. Of course it’s great to always do what’s right, but we usually don’t. I am not perfect, I get myself into the dumbest things and I have no excuse for that. I can only promise you that I am being honest with you and I don’t mind the comments, I actually like to hear the positive and negative. Cause that is real!

I did get my key back from Deacon, he didn’t want to give it back! But I told him this was too much too soon and we needed to backtrack. He wasn’t feeling that, I also told him he can’t be there every night. I need time like someone said to get my affairs in order. Literally my AFFAIRS! Last night Deacon and me went to Bible study and then a place I wanted to try for dinner, and while it was nice, there is something missing. It’s so new that I don’t know if I have always felt this way or if Cam is clouding my judgment.

My friends aren’t 50/50 but they have all expressed whatever I decide they will back me either way. I hate that, don’t tell me what I want to here, that’s why I like this blog, tell me when I’m being dumb!

*Sigh* it is hard to be honest on here, because at first I wasn’t going to mention the Eden thing because I KNEW the backlash that would occur, so just know its not easy baring your soul.

I’m not going to say what everyone wants to hear just for the sake of being likeable. I like Cam, and I like Deacon, that’s the truth. Cam is doing major changes, and I think that’s why it’s important to be single after break ups and not rush into anything. I explained to Deacon that I think we are moving excessively fast. I probably should have kept at it and told him how I felt but I just can’t hurt people’s feelings. I feel awful. I do know, eventually someone will get hurt, so I have to do something and quick.

Other than this guy drama, I’m prepping for a girls night tomorrow with Kendall and some friends from high school. Baby Boy is going with Cam for the weekend so I get a little break. He’s doing awesome and even learning sign language. I have a baby genius on my hands.

So sorry if this isn’t what anyone wanted to hear, but I have yet to do anything positive in these situations….. sue me!